


The Linguist Part 1

by Jadders92



Series: The Linguist [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Age Difference, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gen, Kissing, Romance, Voilence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-15
Packaged: 2018-03-10 20:32:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3302525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadders92/pseuds/Jadders92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay, this is the first fic like this I've done, so please let me know how I'm doing, if you have suggestions please leave them in the comments and I'll see what feels right when I'm writing. The whole fic is based on SHIELD not falling after the threat of HYDRA is exposed, Nick Fury is still director and you have been recruited by Phil Coulson to be a part of his team, though his feelings towards you complicate things.</p><p>If you would like to contact me, the way to do so is through this email: jadders92@hotmail.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You are a highly skilled linguist and Agents Coulson and May have come to recruit you.

It had been two years since graduation and nothing was any different, you still worked in the same high end bar in New York and still had no clue of what to do next. Your degree in linguistics was hardly something in demand these days, everyone was fighting harder for a job. 

You started your shift as you always did, listening to your music that got you in a good mood and put on your bartending uniform. You took one last look in the mirror an decided there really wasn't much more you could do. The bar had a strict policy on its employees being clean and neat, hair tied back, minimal makeup other than to cover up scars or blemishes and uniform clean and ironed, a small watch was permitted but no other jewellery was allowed and if you were suspected to have your phone on you, you'd most probably be fired, unless it was a a absolute emergency.

For the most part, it was just like any other shift. You mixed the same old drinks for the same old faces and earned good tips from all of them. You turned up the charm and wit for the newer customers to encourage them to return and you were constantly cleaning down the bar. 

It was almost time for your break when two people walked up to the bar, you wanted to pretend like you didn't see them, but they also looked like good tippers. One was a man in a trim black suit, no tie and an open collar, he had bright blue eyes and a slightly crooked nose that made him seem quiet tough, until he smiled sweetly at you and beckoned you over, the other was an Asian woman with beautiful dark eyes and a sleek silver dress that complimented her curves wonderfully. Though they didn't seem like a couple, they were definitely close.

‘What can I get for you?’ You asked, putting on your best front, smiling widely, forcing it to reach your eyes and looking each of them in the eyes when they ordered a White Russian and a sea breeze. ‘No problem.’ You said and began making the drinks. The couple began talking quietly to each other, exchanging glances and occasionally covering their disagreements with a tight smile. You decided to move away slightly to allow them more privacy until their drinks were ready. You politely cleared your throat and placed two square napkins in front of them and set down their drinks.

‘Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you.’ You said with another smile and turned to walk away.

‘Actually,’ the man spoke, ‘there is one thing you could do, you could enlighten us as to why a skilled linguist like yourself is serving drinks in a bar instead of doing something a little more… Productive with that degree.’ There was a twinkle in his eye that told you he had tried so hard to impress you with his knowledge of your life, but you weren't buying into it. You'd already done this before and it didn't work then. You cleaned down the counter again, even though it wasn't really necessary and took a moment to respond.

‘I think keeping fat cats like yourself happy with a little mood lighting, good music and plenty of alcohol is a fairly productive task.’ If he was shocked he didn't show it, the woman next to him though was a dead give away, her eyebrows raised just a touch and her mouth open by just millimetres. 

‘How so?’ He asked. You could see this was going to turn into a game of chicken, see who would crack first, you had a good feeling it wouldn't be him, but you'd put up a good fight anyway.

‘It's simple, I help you try new and exciting things,’ you gesture toward the selections of drinks behind you and the crowds of women out looking for a good time, ‘you tip me handsomely for my help in the matter which in turn pays my bills.’

‘Who says I'm a fat cat?’ He really was pulling out all the stops now, he never took his gaze off of you and it felt more like he was trying to lure you into a new game.

You hear the soft beeping of the dishwasher below the counter and begin drying glasses. ‘No one comes to this bar unless they've got a lot of money to waste.’ Not the most witty response but you'd take it.

‘Okay, you win this one.’ He said finally taking a sip of his drink. ‘I'm here to ask your help.’ 

The glasses were steaming and burning your hands slightly, but you'd done it enough times to know you'd get used to it. ‘My help? For what exactly?’ Curiosity was getting the better of you.

‘My name is Phil Coulson, this is my associate Melinda May.’ He started, he pulled out a phone and began flicking through it. ‘We work for SHIELD.’ You continued cleaning the glasses and giving them eye contact, you suspected SHIELD, but Phil Coulson was a name you hadn't heard in a long time and it had been bliss.

‘You've heard of us then?’ The woman finally spoke, she had a quietly commanding voice.

‘Yes.’ You tried not to mumble, but Phil Coulson was not a man you had ever wished to meet.

‘Then you know we wouldn't be here if it wasn't important.’ She said.

‘Look, I have no doubt that what you need is important for saving the world or something like that,’ you said, desperately trying to control the anger building up inside you, ‘but I have no interest in working for SHIELD.’

There was a tense pause, Coulson was clearly thinking very fast. 

‘I'm sorry about your father,’ Coulson said much more softly, ‘he was a good man and his only wish was for me to make sure his daughter was always safe, now we have followed his instructions to the letter, even helped pay for your education like he asked us to. But we were also told that you were an incredibly smart and unique individual, we were asked not to approach you unless it was an absolute emergency. I didn't take that seriously five years ago when I asked you to work for us, but now I do. I promise you that this is important and we need your help.’ 

You suddenly slowed your task and thought about what he just said, your father always said that if ever three people came to door and asked you for help you could trust them. Phil Coulson, Nick Fury and Maria Hill. He had told you all those years ago that sometimes he would go away and you'd never find out where he was or why he was there, but that it was important, that his work was the most important thing in the world because it meant that his daughter would be safe. You could feel the tears starting to build behind your eyes and realised that you were holding the glass unnecessarily tight in your hands. You looked up into the soft blue eyes of Phil Coulson and sighed.

‘Okay, I finish work in about three hours, can it wait til then?’ You asked sheepishly.

‘Of course.’ Phil said, May was about to interrupt him, but he silenced her with a small glare. He got it, he understood your reluctance. Your father had dedicated his entire life to keeping you safe and you weren't about to throw it away all in one night.

 

The bar soon closed and you stayed a little to help clean up before you went out into the cold December night. Phil and May had retreated after your conversation with them, to a quiet booth in the back, they had spent most of the night watching you until you saw May leave in a hurry. A walk you'd seen many times before, the worry you'd forgotten about and the disappointment you'd felt made your heart swell. Phil sat on his phone, brows knitted together, he was a little fidgety, no one really noticed but your father had taught you how to read people from an early age, taught you how to stand up for yourself and always gave you a quick smile with a kiss on your forehead. ‘In case I'm not there.’ He'd whisper, but you could always hear the slight croak in his voice.

All in all the night was a good one, the tips you got approached triple digits, it would have been well over a hundred dollars but you all decided to split your tips with Gustav the security guard who'd been standing out in the cold all night.

You stepped out into the night and hugged your thick coat tighter, trying to keep in the warmth and walked a little way down the street to wait for the last bus home.

‘Need a ride?’ A familiar voice asked, you wondered briefly how you hadn't heard Phil walk up next you. He smiled down at you and offered you a hand, you returned the smile and took it. 

‘Thanks. I live pretty far though.’ You said following him to the parking lot. Phil offered his arm and you took it gladly; you couldn't quite remembered if you'd eaten that day but judging by your unsteady legs, the answer was likely no.

‘It's okay, it'll give us time to talk.’ He said gently.

‘Where did Agent May go?’ You asked, you could hear your voice shake with the cold. You knew what the answer was going to be before you even spoke, but it was a force of habit.

He chuckled and helped you over a particularly icy part of the road. ‘There was a small emergency on base that needed taking care of.’ Vague, but somewhat informative, he was a pro just like your dad, but there was something distracted about his voice, like his full attention wasn't quite on you.

‘You're listening to them over an earpiece aren't you?’ You asked, again you knew you didn't need to ask but formality took over.

‘Yes.’ He answered honestly, he suddenly stopped and looked at you, his intense gaze put a much needed heat in the pit of your stomach, before he turned away again taking in a deep breath and pointing to his car behind you. ‘This is me.’ He said, you turned around to see a gorgeous 1962 red corvette and your mouth dropped.

‘Woah!’ You couldn't help it, the car was in pristine condition, he kept it well and clearly had a passion for it that no other possession in his life had.

‘Yeah, that's what most people say.’ He said chuckling a little. You could feel him close in behind you as he reached around to open your door. Quite the gentleman.

‘Thanks.’ You said, slowly climbing into the car, you were being careful not to touch too much, your dad taught you better than that.

Before you had your seatbelt on he was already in the car and starting her up. He smiled warmly at you again and turned the heating up to full, and soon you were driving through the crisp night home. At least it was better than sitting on a rank bus for an hour.

‘So how many years did you know my dad for?’ You asked, you had learnt a long time ago that if you wanted an answer from SHIELD agents you had to ask the most direct question to make it harder for them to dance around it. He laughed, knowing exactly what you were doing.

‘I introduced him to your mom.’ He said, eyes focussed on the road but you could see the memories floating through his mind. ‘You’re a lot like her you know, she was beautiful, smart, funny as hell, everyone wanted a piece of her.’ 

‘Did you?’ You asked. A small frown appeared where there was none before.

‘Your mom and I were close, but I knew I wasn't her type.’ He said turning a corner and stopping at some red lights, there wasn't anyone else around but he made a point of indicating anyway. ‘She liked a man who knew how to take care of her, who made the hard choices for his family. I got bored of her being lonely so I set your dad up on a blind date with her, I wasn't much of a man back then, but I was big enough to know when I didn't have a chance in hell. She was an amazing woman deserving of an amazing man, they were the perfect fit.’

You sat back and though for a while. You knew your parents met on a blind date and that they immediately knew they were right for each other, but you had never really dwelled on the details. You just loved seeing them together and prayed that one day you'd be lucky enough to find a man you could fall deeply in love with.

‘I'm sorry I never got the chance to see your mother before she died,’ Phil suddenly said, ‘she was beautiful human being and my only regret is that I never told her how much she meant to me.’

‘You were in love with her?’

‘In a way. Your parents were my best friends, I loved them like family.’ Phil took another deep breath, there was something incredibly human about him in that moment and it took you by surprise how much you wanted to hug away the pain he had. ‘Warm enough?’ He asked. You nodded and watched as he turned the heating down a little. 

‘I suppose it's no good my asking,’ you began, ‘but you can't tell me how he died can you?’ Most people would come up with the same crap they tell everyone else and tell you how brave he was and how he died serving his country, but there was something about Phil's pause that told you he was fighting a personal battle of his own.

‘He died saving his team.’ He started, you already knew that he had been a hero in his last moments, you knew there was a terrorist involved but that was it, it seemed that Phil Coulson wasn't happy that that was all you knew. ‘There was a scientist, Dr Novak, who was working very hard to ensure your fathers team never found out what his real plan for his research in genetic engineering was. Well, your father being as stubborn as he was, never gave up on chasing him and soon found his base in the middle of Nairobi of all places. He took a team and infiltrated the base, put a stop to the research testing, found Novak and secured him for questioning… But before we could get a chopper in to extract them, your father discovered a bomb that was set to go off, Novak had triggered it to blow. Your dad was pretty good at cracking bomb codes, he was the best we had on the ground at that time and there was a lot of civilians still in that base that could be saved. He stayed behind to disarm it… He wasn't successful… I'm sorry.’ Phil finished and turned to see you crying, he pulled the car over to the side of the road and held you into his strong chest. 

You had never heard anyone give you the truth quite like Phil Coulson, he was a complicated man and you couldn't help but love that he just told you the truth and held you tight afterwards, feeling the same sorrow you did. ‘I'm sorry, if I could trade places I would. I never wanted him to die, he had you, he had something to live for.’ Phil whispered against your hair, you could feel his chest holding back the tears, trying desperately to stay strong for you but it was little good.

You sat for the longest time in his embrace, just feeling another human being with you was all you needed. You couldn't quite understand why, but you started laughing.

‘What?’ He asked, you pulled away a little and stared up at him, his eyes weren't as red as you knew yours were, but you could tell he had been crying.

‘I don't know.’ You said through the laughter and the tears. ‘I don't know… I guess I should've known he died trying to save a bunch of people he didn't know. He was like that, always helping wherever he could. I just miss him and my mom.’

‘I know, me too.’ You watched Phil for a moment, there was something more than sincerity in his eyes. Suddenly you felt very warm under your coat, you couldn't take it much longer, you looked away to wipe your eyes and heard him start the car again. When you looked back, you could see his jaw was clenched tight and his knuckles whitening slightly as he gripped the steering wheel. You decided to ignore it and just let him drive you home in silence.

It didn't take much longer, but the silence that washed over the car was starting to become unbearable and you weren't even sure that you were allowed to move without it being awkward. He pulled up outside your scabby building and turned the car off.

‘Do you want to come up and talk?’ You offered, you were desperate to get this over with and by the look he had on his face, he could tell.

He offered you a smile and said: ‘sure.’ You led him up the stairs to your apartment and briefly wondered what kind of state you had left it in.

‘Erm,’ you started.

‘Is there something wrong?’ Phil asked, you watched his hand twitch toward his hip, presumably where he kept his gun.

‘Could you do my me a favour and close your eyes? I left in kind of a hurry this afternoon and I think my place is a mess.’ He gave you a look that said – do you really think I care about that right now? – but nodded anyway and closed his eyes. You opened the door and decided it was a good idea you had him shut his eyes.

You led him inside the door and turned the heating on, it was freezing but you didn't see the point in having the heating on if you weren't even going to be there for half the day. You quickly rushed around the open plan apartment, collecting pieces of clothing off the floor and throwing them into the bedroom, taking a few dishes and shoving them in the sink.

You took a quick look around before turning to tell him he could open his eyes to find that he was leaning against the wall, eyes wide open, arms folded and a huge Cheshire grin on his face. You huffed a little and folded your arms back at him. ‘In fairness, you didn’t say I had to keep them closed.’

‘It was implied.’ You retorted. ‘Take a seat. You want anything from the kitchen? I can make some tea?’ You offered, finally feeling brave enough to take off your jacket and sling it over a wooden chair in the kitchen.

‘Tea would be great.’ He said, already out of his jacket and rolling up his sleeves. He sat down on the sofa and produced a file from God knows where, you didn't want to know.

You brought over a cup of tea and sat back exhausted, Phil watched you intently. ‘You sure you don't want to wait til morning?’ He asked.

‘You said it was important, if you told my dad that, he'd be out the door before you could tell him what it was.’ You laughed. It brought a smile to Phil's face as well.

He nodded and proceeded to show you the pictures in his file. It wasn't like anything you had seen before, markings on artefacts that looked a lot like Norse mythology, like stories being told through pictures like hieroglyphics.

You both stayed up half the night trying to work out what you could, mostly he seemed happy that you knew as much as you did, after the attack on London you took a particular interest in Norse mythology, thinking one day it could be useful to know something and to Phil Coulson, it was.


	2. A Good Chinese Restaurant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> remember to leave comments!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You give Phil another helping hand.

You woke up in bed, still wearing your work trousers, and undershirt. You yawned and rubbed your eyes, you could hear the day beginning outside, cars beeping their horns, people talking loudly on their phones and even some laughter from kids on their way to school. You stretched out on the bed and felt a crumple under your hand. It was a note. Trying to adjust your eyes before grabbing your glasses to held the note up in front of your face.

You fell asleep in the middle of an explanation, hope it's okay that I put you to bed, I honestly didn't mind the mess. Here's my number in case you want to finish what you started. You knew a lot more than I thought you did, it’d be useful to have you on my team. Please, think about it.

P

You turned the note over to see a number scribbled on the back. You decided you should at least send a text to say thank you for putting you to bed, maybe after you took a shower would be a good idea.

You quickly started your day and remembered that you had the day off work, so there was no need to rush around too much. You showered, had breakfast and retread the note twice before you decided to give Phil a call and thank him for the ride and taking care of you. Two rings and he picked up.

‘Coulson.’ He answered in a stern voice. You could hear a lot of noise in the background, mostly people talking over each other and laptops buzzing away.

‘Hi, it's me. Is this a bad time?’ You asked, worried that you were bothering him during his work hours.

‘Hi, no it's fine. How can I help you?’ You could hear the noise dying down, he was moving out of the room to take your call and it gave you a slightly satisfied feeling.

‘I just wanted to call and say thank you for giving me a ride last night… And for putting me to bed… And not copping a feel.’

There was a light chuckle. ‘You're very welcome.’

‘So, I was looking over some of the stuff that I translated for you when I got up and I've got a feeling about something that I would need to confirm with some of those pictures you showed me last night. Any chance I could take another look?’ You had been sat with a few books open in front of you flicking through a few pages as you spoke, wondering if what you thought was correct and feeling slightly hopeful that you could Phil again.

‘Of course. I can bring them over in an hour if you'd like?’

‘Sure, that'll give me time to clean up a bit more.’ You laughed.

‘Okay, I'll see you in an hour.’ You heard him pause for a moment, like he wanted to say something else before he hung up and left you to clean the rest of your apartment.

 

The hour was up and you had changed into jeans and a flannel shirt over a white tank top. You felt a little silly for wearing your two sizes too big slippers but it was your apartment, you'd wear whatever you damn well pleased.

Phil stood at the door in a fitted grey suit, crisp white shirt and silk black tie. He looked quite the spy. He carried a larger folder under one arm and a tray with two coffees in his hand. You noticed his aviators hanging from his jacket pocket and thought how much more like a secret agent could he be.

‘Come in.’ 

He wandered in and set the coffee down on the counter top with the folder. ‘Didn't know you were a fan?’ He asked gesturing to your Captain America hoodie that was slung over the sofa.

‘Yeah, it's my moms actually, she said my dad gave it to her.’ You said, remembering your mom wearing it on cold nights. ‘It's far too big to wear out in public though.’ You laughed.

Phil smiled and offered you one of the coffees, you could smell the pumpkin spice coming from the stemming cup. ‘Thought you might like to try it.’ He said with a warm smile, sipping his own cup. You took a quick sip and immediately decided that Phil was just a little bit too your type, he was a fairly handsome guy, clearly worked out, a gentleman, extremely smart, hilarious from what you remember of the previous night. You were suddenly aware of him staring, waiting for a response.

‘Thank you.’ It was all you could do to hide your blush, no doubt he noticed though. 

‘So, the pictures.’ He said, saving you both from the awkward silence, that actually wasn't that awkward. 

You both settled down to work, you took him through the possible meanings of a few of the clusters of symbols and gave him your notes on what was more likely, he seemed very interested in what you were saying and was listening intently to your every word. He had even slipped on his thick rimmed glasses to further study your notes and make a few of his own on the pictures. 

The hours began slipping away from you both and soon the sun began to set, he looked incredibly normal in the light, his sleeves rolled up, his eyes glinting at you as you tripped over some of your words and that smile that caught you off guard every time. You were being stupid. You thought, he was your parents friend and probably had no interest in a girl your age who worked in a bar down town.

Something in your face must've given you away because his expression softened as he stared straight into your eyes, you felt naked under his gaze, like there was nothing you could hide from him.

‘Thank you, for your help. I really do appreciate it.’ He said ever so gently, watching for your response. 

‘Well, I just hope that whatever you need this for is worth it.’ You couldn't take what you were feeling much longer, you turned your eyes back down to the work in front of you and handed him a few more notes. ‘These go with the third picture, the cluster is a bit more difficult to decipher, it either telling us about a war that happened or about a recipe someone had for lamb.’

‘Lamb?’ He chuckled.

‘Yeah the symbol for sheep or lamb is pretty similar to the one for battle.’ You said showing him the symbol in the book you had. ‘I think that's it though. I'm afraid unless you tell me where exactly you found them I can't be much more use.’ It wasn't an invite for him to tell you more and he knew it, he respected that you didn't want much involvement with SHIELD and didn't press the matter.

‘Well, thank you again, for your help.’ He said, collecting his things back into the folder. There was something else he wanted to say, you knew it, you'd seen that look before when your dad couldn't tell you something that he wanted to.

‘No problem at all. If you need anything else, you know where I am.’ You smiled, there was that look again, the intense gaze he had the night before in the car, the one he seemed to hate himself for. 

‘When's the last time you ate?’ He asked, not exactly what you thought he was going to say, but it did remind you that you hadn't actually eaten since the day before. ‘There's a really good Chinese just round the corner if you wanted to join me for dinner?’ Was he asking you out on a date? You had a flannel shirt on for goodness sake! 

‘Sure.’ You said without really thinking it through, and before you knew it you were being driven in that gorgeous car around the corner to a cosy little Chinese restaurant. 

 

Phil ordered in Mandarin and you understood everything perfectly, though you weren't exactly sure what it was he was ordering.

‘You know I understood that right?’ You said with a grin. He settled into his chair, rolling his sleeves up again and resting one arm on the table and the other on the back of his chair, he looked so relaxed, not the Agent that had come to the bar, but more like Phil Coulson, the human being.

‘Yeah, but it's always much more impressive when you don't know I can speak mandarin.’ He said coolly.

‘Oh I see, out to impress are we?’ You ask playfully. There was a sudden dark look in Phil's eyes that was gone as quickly as it came.

‘So, why linguistics?’ He asked, changing the subject.

You shrug, no one really asked you that before and you weren't really sure of the answer. ‘I was good at it I guess?’ You watched other people in the restaurant, mostly couples, connecting with each other and laughing together. ‘My dad was more of a physical guy, he was good at self defence and sports. My mom was good at computers, she told me she used to hack into secure SHIELD files just to work out where the weak spots were and then built layers and layers of programs to strengthen it… I guess I wanted to be good at something as well, and there wasn't a course in reading people.’ You laughed.

‘I noticed you're good at that,’ Phil said sipping his water, ‘it's why I'm being extra careful.’ He added, watching everyone around him as well. You were about to ask the question when he interrupted. ‘So, have you thought about my offer? To come and work for SHIELD?’

‘I thought about it.’ which was true, you had thought long and hard about it, about what your parents would have wanted for you. ‘I'm not sure, I want to say yes, I feel like I belong there. Follow in my parents footsteps or something like that, but I just feel like they didn't want me to join for a reason.’

‘I can keep you safe.’ He blurted out, you could tell he was immediately embarrassed and regretting saying it, but it was too late, it confirmed what you had suspected, that his feelings for you were more than just platonic.

You weren't sure what to say next, luckily the waiter came along and set down your plates, you both easily slipped back into conversation about food, about wine, about your parents when they were young. With Phil it was easy, talking was easy, feeling was easy, everything was easy and you enjoyed yourself for once.

He squared up the bill and left the nearly empty restaurant with you tucked under his arm, the air was crisp and you felt excited about getting back into the corvette. Phil had kept his distance the whole night. It frustrated you as you felt an immediate and intense connection to the man, he had been there your entire life, keeping a constant watch over you and here you were sitting in his car with a childish crush that he probably thought was ridiculous and inappropriate.

Phil was again a perfect gentleman and walked you up to your apartment. You didn't invite him in this time, you were pretty sure he'd refuse anyway. But you did open the door and allow him to keep his distance in the hallway. ‘Thank you for dinner.’ You said, hanging on your door frame.

‘No problem.’ He smiled warmly at you. ‘I should go.’ He finally said and held his hand out for you to shake. 

You took it, realising that it could be the only time you get to touch him, not that you knew why you wanted to touch him so much, something about him just kept catching you off guard, a look here, a smile there. His hand was slightly calloused where he would hold a gun, but soft on the back where you were stroking your thumb slightly. He was suddenly very close to you and swallowed thickly, clearly resisted an urge. He quickly let go and walked away without looking back. You could hear him muttering slightly as he descended the stairs of your apartment building.

You weren't exactly sure what had just happened, but you were pretty sure you both had it bad for each other.


	3. Of Course it Would Happen to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course the bad things happen to you, who else?

It was a over a week since you last saw Phil Coulson and Christmas was only a few days away. You were just about to leave for work when a text from Phil came through.

[Hope you have a happy Christmas. Let me know if you want anything.]

WANT. That was the key word, if you wanted anything. You quickly type out a reply.

[You too. I'll probably end up working though. Nothing that I want, but you could tell me if I was any help to you?]

You went about putting your coat on and headphones in when a reply came through. You began your walk to the bus stop and read it.

[You were more help than we needed. Thank you again. Working? Surely you should be spending it with your grandmother?]

Of course he knew about your grandmother being in a home, she hadn't recognised you in years, but every Christmas and whenever you could you'd make the trip to sit and watch tv with her and play cards.

[Glad to help. Will be making a trip to see her soon, but yes, I will be working cleaning the bar on Christmas Day.]

[Alone?]

[Yes.]

He didn't text you back. You knew he probably felt sorry for you but you didn't mind spending Christmas alone, a lot of people did. You didn't really have anyone to spend it with anyway.

You got to work and proceeded with your normal routine, you got good tips and for the most part it was fairly dull as usual. That was until two burly customers had a rather loud and drunken disagreement about something. You had been clearing a table a bit to close to them when the fists started flying and got caught pretty badly by some glass on your forearm and collarbone.

Gustav had rushed in and dealt with the two men, while your boss, Max, rushed over to see if you were okay. The cut on your collarbone was fine, nothing more than a scratch, but the one on your forearm was pretty deep and still had shards of glass stuck in it. The pain was unbearable and it was only made worse when you realised that you had landed on broken glass as well, forming more cuts up your leg, hip and other arm.

Max had called an ambulance as soon as he realised just how dizzy you were. The bar had shut early that night and you spent the night in pain in a hospital bed.

‘Look, just take the week and we’ll look at when you can come back.’ Max said over the phone. ‘I'll put you on sick pay and get your shifts covered, just rest up and keep me updated on how you're feeling okay?’ 

‘Thanks Max.’ You said, Max was a great boss, he understood his employees and always took care of you in particular. You were pretty sure he had a slight crush on you but he was too shy to ever ask you out.

You were finally allowed to go home, you weren't exactly sure how you were supposed to do that, but a quick search for bus times and you limped to the nearest bus stop. It took nearly two hours for you to finally make it home, just as darkness had fallen over the city and you were exhausted. 

You got to your door and noticed that a light was coming from your apartment, you knew for a fact that you hadn't left any on when you left the day before. You quickly took your phone out and sent a text to Phil.

[It might be nothing, but I'm pretty sure I didn't leave my lights on when I left yesterday!]

You couldn't wait for a reply, if there was someone in your apartment, they knew you were there and they were waiting for you to enter the apartment. You threw the door open but didn't step in, you quickly dug around your purse for your taser and prayed that it still worked. Your phone vibrated in your pocket, Phil had text you back, you slowly pulled it from your pocket and glanced at the message.

[I'm coming.]

You were getting anxious now, you were pretty sure you could sense someone in your apartment but you couldn't see anything from the door. You slid up against the frame and peeked around the corner, the kitchen looked clear, you couldn’t see anything suspicious about the small island, it was barely big enough for you to hide behind.

You quickly and quietly took your bag off and tried your hardest to take your time searching your apartment, you needed Phil to hurry if there was someone there, you were in no shape to take them on. 

You moved to the other side of the door frame and began moving towards the book case that stuck out of the far wall. You thought you saw movement in the bathroom, and kept still for a few moments, nothing more happened, you weren't convinced though.

You began moving quietly towards the bathroom, you knew you shouldn't but you were your fathers daughter, no one got the better of you and lived to tell the tale. From where you were standing the bathroom looked clear, no one could hide in spaces that small. You quickly darted into the doorway anyway and double checked, nothing. 

There was suddenly a sharp pain that radiated from your leg up your spine that soon turned into a warmth that made your eyes heavy and your vision blurry, you tried with everything you had to stand straight. You managed to turn around and saw a huge dark figure towering over you with dark beady eyes and a wolffish grin. You thrust your taser out, but sleep claimed you before you could tell if you'd gotten him or not.

Your last thoughts were that if you'd waited for Phil and not been so stupid, you'd have been fine, but no, you had to be your fathers daughter as usual.


	4. You Are Your Fathers Daughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You put up one hell of a fight.

You woke up aching all over, you couldn't move for the pain, but you could feel that your arms were tied behind your back and it hurt so much more when you moved.

Your vision was blurred by the blood seeping into your eyes, you knew you had a cut on your head, but the rest of your injuries were in too many places that you ignored it, it didn't matter. You tried to sit up, but the bruising on your back prevented you from getting too comfortable. You could tell you were in a dark dank cell in the middle of a stone building, but that's all you could see around you, the smell of the damp walls making your stomach churn. The memories of what you had been through came flooding back; you were being interrogated, they were showing you the same symbols Phil had shown you and wanted you to translate them.

You weren't sure of how long you had been there, but you knew it had been at least a couple of days. You didn't know if you could last much longer, you were beginning to crack, the pain was becoming unbearable, but you were determined not to break. You couldn't, your parents wouldn't, you imagined that they could last days like this, you were their daughter, you had to keep fighting until Phil came.

Your mouth was dry and swallowing hurt too much, you tried to breath slowly and deeply, conserving what energy you could but you were fairly certain your ribs were either cracked or broken. Breathing was hard and sleep was calling you.  
You let your eyes drift shut and tried to sleep the pain away, but being unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in, you gave up and just let your body do whatever it wanted.

 

You heard footsteps outside your cell and braced yourself for another interrogation, your vision was still blurry and your body couldn't hold itself up. You had to stay strong though, you had to make it until Phil came for you. He said he would, you had to believe him, you had to believe he would turn the world upside down to find you and bring you home safe.

The cell door opened and a familiar wolffish grin greeted you, you thought you could throw up right there and then, but the lack of food in your stomach made it impossible. He grabbed your already bruised arm, causing you to yelp loudly, and brought you to your feet. He dragged you down a damp stone corridor and into a room with a spot light on a chair in the middle of it, no windows, no doors, no one was visible, just the familiar chair. 

The wolf threw you into the seat and began tying your hands to the back of it. You heard someone get up and bite into an apple, soft menacing footsteps approached and you saw a pair of black steel capped boots stop in front of you. A hand grabbed the back of your head and painfully pulled it back, you stared up into a pair of cold dark eyes. They watched you curiously for a moment and you thought you could crack there and then, but you didn't, instead you thought back to the Chinese restaurant, the chow mien, the people laughing, Phil.

The eyes showed you a picture of the symbols and spoke with a gruff voice. ‘Tell me what these mean.’ He said.  
‘I don't know.’ You tried to sound tough, but it came out as a whisper. The wolf let go of your hair and hit you hard with the back of his hand, before he grabbed your head again and held tighter. Your eyes began to fill with tears, but you couldn't give them the satisfaction.

‘I don't like asking twice, but I do enjoy watching you in pain. I just wonder how much longer you can last before you outlive your use and we have to kill you.’ You hadn't really thought about that, you were sure you could handle the pain, but dying wasn't an option, you weren't saving anyone and you weren't sick, you had no right to die, but you couldn't give up any information either, not even enough to keep yourself alive. Phil said it was important, you had to trust him, he had to come for you. ‘Tell me what it means.’ He said again.

‘I don't know.’ You said again, the eyes sighed at you and motioned for the wolf to let go. He did that and you took half a moment to feel relived and the other half for you brace yourself for what was next. The wolf pushed you forward untied your hands from the chair, but keeping them together and placed a hand on your back, you felt the cool steel of a knife on your back, a pause and then unbearable agony as the knife tore at your skin on your shoulder blade. It stopped as you heard a crash from outside the room, the eyes disappeared from in front of you to check it out. 

You could feel the wolf moving as well, you tried to push the pain aside and listen for what was happening. You heard gunshots and the wolf jumped as the door flew open. ‘Kill her!’ Was yelled, you were pretty sure the eyes had been the one to scream.

In what felt like a super human moment, the wolf turned back to you, knife at the ready, you somehow found the strength to grab the frame and throw the chair directly at his chest, feeling the agony in your body, you fell to one knee, but heard someone running at you. You took another breath and did as you were taught, you jumped as high as your legs could lift you and thrust them out at your attacker, sending him flying back. You landed awkwardly and screamed in pain.

You couldn't see anything, people were screaming and yelling to do God knows what, all you knew is that until you were certain it was Phil, you had to keep getting up, you had to fight to stay alive. Your legs were shaky and you knew it was only the adrenaline that was keeping you alive. Someone was slowly approaching you again, you knew they were in front of you, but you couldn't tell any more than that, it was a man, they were probably armed and probably a lot stronger than you.

You heard a gruff English accent in the shadows. ‘Coulson, we've got her, where are you?’ 

‘Phil.’ You whispered again, you legs were buckling again and you only held yourself up a few moments longer before you couldn't do it anymore, you fell hard onto the cold concrete, you felt your eyes grow heavy and your body settle around the raging agony that filled you up.

‘I'm here.’ A voice whispered close to your ear, you could feel those warm hands untying you. ‘I'm here, sweetheart. You're safe now.’ Two strong arms slid underneath you and picked you up, you nestled against that familiar strong chest.

‘Phil.’ You whispered. ‘I knew you'd come.’

‘Shh, it's okay, I've got you.’ He said, you felt a chill surround your body as you were taken outside, that much was certain.

‘I didn't tell them anything, I didn't break, I promise. I'm sorry.’ You said, you weren't even sure if you were making any sense, you just let sleep take you and let Phil save you, like you knew he would.


	5. A Hurt Only He Can Make Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You just want to sleep away the pain.

You could feel yourself starting to wake up, could feel the familiar ache in your body. You could hear beeping in one ear, it was so loud you thought your brain might explode. You tried to turn away from the noise, but it was no good. You could feel your eyes swelling, you could just about make out a figure standing over you, unsure of who it was, you fought harder against your heavy body. But it was a losing fight, you soon gave in to sleep again and relaxed back into darkness.

 

You thought you could hear someone talking, no yelling, someone was shouting, you listened hard for what they were saying, maybe even try to work out who it was shouting.   
‘I don't want to hear it! Just fix it!’ It was familiar, you knew the voice, but it was hard to place, it wasn't Phil's, it wasn't even a mans voice, but it was definitely familiar.  
Darkness returned and tugged you back into its grasp and you let it without much of a struggle.

 

The next time you felt yourself waking up, you fought hard to break through the darkness. You could feel a warm hand leaving yours, could hear someone enter the room and talk, it was fuzzy and it hurt your head, but you had to wake up. The beeping was getting louder and louder, your ears felt like they were going to burst, but finally and quite suddenly you felt light, you could open your eyes fully and see a woman standing over you, she had short hair and big kind eyes, she seemed deeply concerned with you and shined a light in your eyes a couple times.

‘Someone call Coulson!’ She yelled, she turned back to you and spoke with a softer voice. ‘It's okay, my name is Jemma, I'm here to help you.’ She said, the name Jemma rang a bell, you didn't know why, but you felt like you could trust here.

‘I'm going to throw up.’ Was all you could muster, right on cue Jemma produced a bucket and you threw up into it, you started to feel even more dizzy than you had done before, you could hear the blood rushing to your ears and for a moment you thought you might pass out. 

You heard someone else enter the room, but you didn't care who it was, you couldn't stop yourself being sick, it was vile and a shudder crept over your body as the dull ache set in again. You stopped long enough for Jemma to produce a fresh bucket and help you settle on your side, she put the bucket down and helped you sip some water, it was cool and refreshing trickling down your throat and she had to pull the straw away from you.

‘You'll be sick again if you have too much.’ She said kindly.

You saw her look behind you to whoever was there, she stood up quickly and as gently as she could, she pulled you towards her slightly inspecting your back. ‘Oh dear, you've ripped your stitches, we’ll have to fix that soon.’ You knew exactly what that meant, it meant you had to move and risk passing out again. ‘It's okay, I can do it with you on your stomach.’ Another mind reader. ‘Not really.’ Were you talking out loud? ‘More mumbling than anything.’ She smiled down at you.

‘Thank you.’ You mumbled. 

‘It's no problem at all.’ She said. ‘Will you help me?’ She asked someone; you felt those warm hands again lift you slightly so that you were lying on your stomach. You whimpered at the pressure. ‘Will you hold the bucket for her? It's just a precaution.’ She assured you. 

Those warm hand came into view and Phil Coulson sat by your bed with a smile on his face. ‘Phil.’ You breathed relief.

‘Hey, I'm here.’ He said quietly holding the bucket between his legs. It was a little blurry but you thought you could see a cut on his arm and bruising on his hands, you frowned at them, feeling like an idiot for having to be rescued like a child. 

‘I'm sorry.’ You said into the pillow. You could feel Jemma working on your stitches, it stung a little but compared to being interrogated it was almost heavenly.

‘For what?’

‘For getting kidnapped.’ You chuckled, you could feel a twinge in your rib cage, still broken you thought. 

Phil just laughed. ‘Even the best agents get captured once in a while.’ 

‘I'm not an agent.’ You reminded him.

‘No, you're not, and that's why I'm smiling.’ He said watching you. ‘You really are your parents daughter, you don't even know. You survived two days straight being interrogated by a group of highly trained mercenaries, you even fought them off when you had nothing left to fight with and you never gave up the information you had. Your parents would be so proud of you… They'd probably kick my ass for putting you in that danger, but I think they'd be glad their daughter was as strong as you.’ You could feel the tears falling hot down your cheeks. You just watched Phil as he gazed over your body.

‘Are you okay?’ You asked. He laughed again.

‘You're in our medical wing, drifting in and out of consciousness, ripping your stitches open, throwing up every time you wake up, which by the look on your face you still don't quite remember and you're asking me if I'm okay?’ He said watching you try to remember waking up.

‘I guess I am.’

‘I'm fine, just a few bruises, I've been through a lot worse.’ You thought you saw a flicker of something in his eyes, but it was gone before you could sure it was there.

‘How long have I been out?’ You asked. You could feel Jemma finishing up on your back.

‘You've been in and out for a few days now,’ she answered. ‘Today is Christmas Eve.’ She came around to smile at you. ‘You've been fighting pretty hard, I'm glad you're awake though, it looks like the worse could be over and done with.’ 

‘Thank you again.’ You said as Jemma left the room to check on other things. 

Phil stayed watching you. ‘Don't you have work to do?’ You asked curiously.

‘Would you rather I wasn't here?’ There seemed to be a little hurt in his voice and you felt bad at the way you phrased the question.

‘I didn't mean it like that.’ You apologised. ‘How did you find me?’ 

‘Do you really want to know?’ Phil laughed.

‘Let me guess, hidden tracker?’ 

Phil just shrugged apologetically. ‘I guess your dad took your safety pretty seriously.’ He said. 

‘I guess he did.’ You smiled, feeling the pull of darkness again. ‘I'm kind of tired.’

‘You should get some rest.’ He said as he helped you turn onto your back. ‘I'll be here when you wake up.’

‘Just tell me one thing.’ You said as you felt your eyes begin to fall heavily. ‘Do I look badass with my battle scars?’ You thought you heard Phil laugh before he responded with something you presumed was equally witty. You fell back to sleep, but this time you knew you'd wake up and remember everything.


	6. Harder Than You Thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coping with everything is proving harder than you thought.

A couple of months later and you felt so much better, you had finally given in and took Phil up on his offer to join SHIELD. You headed the linguistics department as per your inheritance as far as the Director was concerned, it really only consisted of you and a few interns, the most useful of which seemed more occupied with her iPod than anything, you didn't mind much, she did her job quite well, she filed for you, reminded you when to eat and gave you coffee when you needed it.

‘Darcy!’ You called across the office. You couldn't hear her reply so you limped over to where she was working. You had re injured your hip and broken your ribs in training and were still tender in all sorts of places, but it was getting better and at least you were able to walk around on your own and not feel the need to throw up after every nap you took. The nightmares were the thing that was bothering you more than anything now. On more than one occasion, Darcy had found you having one whilst asleep at your desk. Thankfully she hadn't told Phil about them, you couldn't add to the guilt he already felt for what happened to you. 

You found Darcy sleeping with her headphones still in. You gently woke her up and she jumped awake mumbling incoherently. 

‘Woah, boss lady! Do not scare me like that! I coulda pulled out my ninja skills on you.’ She said removing the piece of paper stuck to her face.

‘You don't have ninja skills Darcy.’ You said laughing at her. ‘Why don't you go home and get some sleep?’ You said leaning on the table. You might've been feeling better, but you were still out of breath walking around. 

‘What about you?’ She yawned.

‘I need to turn in a few reports to Phil and see if he's free for a meeting tomorrow. I'll go home soon.’ You replied.

‘Okay, just don't do anything I wouldn't do.’ She said with a wink.

‘What does that mean?’

‘Oh come on, you're not that blind are?’ You just blinked at her. ‘He's totally in love with you! And I don't blame him, you're a hot babe and he's like super hot, like James Bond hot!’

‘Darcy-‘

‘Say what you want boss lady, but that man has got it bad for you. He's even broody when you're not around.’ Darcy put her hands on her hips, trying to get you to see her point of view. You knew that you and Phil had a special connection, but love was maybe stretching it a bit far, he was much too mature to be messing around with a girl your age.

‘Broody?’ You chuckled.

‘Yeah! Like someone took all the coffee from the building and told him they were cutting off the supply.’

‘That's taking it a bit far.’ You said trying to reason with her.

‘No way, he likes you and don't even try to deny that you like him. You're smart, but you can be really dumb sometimes. You call him in your sleep.’ 

‘What?!’ You exclaimed, embarrassed and shocked that you say anything in your sleep.

‘Yeah, you ask him to save you. It's kind of… Sad.’ Darcy had a look of sorrow on her face, she really felt for you. 

‘Darcy, don't let me fall asleep anymore, no one needs to know about this.’ You tell her, turning away to head back to your desk.

‘You should tell him!’ She called after you. ‘You should tell him about the nightmares. It's not healthy you know.’

Before you could think of a response, she left. You took a moment to think about the amount of times she had woken you up from a particularly intense nightmare. How long had you been calling Phil? Why were you calling him in the first place? He was never in your nightmares. Your phone buzzing on the desk broke your train of thoughts. Phil.

[You turning in those reports soon?]

[Yeah, just finishing up, I'll be there soon.]

You sat at your desk and quickly typed up the end of a few reports on some of the artefacts in your lab. It was hard to concentrate, your thoughts kept drifting back to the dank cell, the smell making you feel sick. You stopped what you were doing and took a breath, nothing was going to get done if you forced it. You held the bridge of your nose for what felt like the longest time, you finally found a more productive thinking pattern and went back to the screen.

You suddenly jumped to see that Phil was sitting opposite you with a smirk on his face. 

‘Jesus Phil!’ You cried. He looked tired, like it had been a long day tired.

‘Sorry, you said you were coming up an hour ago, thought I'd come and see if you'd fallen asleep again.’ He chuckled and loosened his tie a little more.

‘What?’ You said, feeling a nervous tension in the pit of you stomach. 

‘Darcy says you fall asleep at your desk sometimes.’ He said, his brows knitting together. You turned your attention back to the screen, trying to type up the rest of your report. There was a pause as you felt his soft blue eyes, watching your every movement. ‘She hasn't told me about the nightmares, you know?’ 

‘Then how do you know about them?’ You snapped. You watched as Phil slipped easily into his no nonsense face, the Phil Coulson that the baby agents see when one of them steps out of line on a training exercise.

‘Because I'd be very surprised if you didn't have any.’ He said calmly. ‘You went through a lot, it's only natural that you struggle from time to time. We all do.’ He admitted.

‘Do you?’

Phil's expression softened as he nodded. You paused and finished up the reports. He helped you print them and file them away on the computer. You slipped back into talk of work and the next day's proceedings. You got your meeting and he walked you to his car to give you a ride home.

You were tired, very tired. The long day kind of tired. You could feel yourself drifting in Phil's car but stopped yourself sleeping as you were only around the corner from your apartment. He stopped the car and you turned to thank him again for the ride to find him watching you. ‘What?’ You blurted out.

He seemed nervous. ‘I… I have something for you…’ Phil reached into the back of his car and brought forward a package wrapped in purple and silver rapping paper. ‘I'm a couple months too late, but I got you a Christmas present.’ He said, too embarrassed to look at you.

‘Can I open it now?’ You asked, he nodded and watched your hands glide over the paper. ‘When did you do this?’ You asked.

‘When you said you'd be spending Christmas alone, I felt kind of bad, so got you this to make you feel better.’ He said painfully honestly. You managed to get all of the paper off to find a brand new Captain America hoodie. It was the right size and everything. ‘You said you didn't wear the other one outside, so I thought you might want one you can wear in public. You can say it's stupid, I won't mind.’ He laughed.

You felt the soft fabric in your hands, before you couldn't help yourself any longer. You leaned over and pressed your lips to his, you took him by surprise, but it didn't take much to get him to respond, he gently caressed your cheek, moving around to the back of your neck pulling you closer into him. You ran your tongue over his bottom lip, tasting the last of some pretty strong coffee, he moaned and you let his tongue invade your mouth, feeling over your teeth, your cheeks, everything he could reach, you responding to his every movement, matching his intensity. Before something made him stop.

‘What's wrong?’ You said, feeling thoroughly spent just on the kiss.

‘I can't.’ He said, still holding you close, he searched your face for something. ‘I'm not-‘

‘Don't you dare say you're too old for me.’ You interrupted. ‘I'll be the judge of that.’

Phil chuckled. ‘Okay.’ He kissed you again. ‘Do you really want this? He asked. You didn't need to ask what it was he was referring to.

‘I think so.’ You said honestly. You thought it was better to be honest than to tell him you were ready and not be. You couldn't put anymore guilt on him.

His brows furrowed. ‘We don't have to do anything here. I can help you up to your apartment and go home. I can wait.’ He said. 

‘Help me upstairs, I'll see how sore I am when we get there.’ You chuckled. He nodded and gave you a hand all the way to your apartment. He did his mandatory sweep of the place (he wasn't risking your safety again) and joined you on the sofa. 

‘No monsters, you're good.’ He joked. ‘You okay?’

There was something on your mind, you were a little afraid to tell him, but convinced yourself if any one knew what to do, it would be Phil Coulson. ‘My nightmares, Darcy said I call for you sometimes, she says I call for you to save me.’ You could feel the swell behind your eyes, you were too tired to resist so you just let yourself cry. Phil put his arm around you and kissed your temple. ‘I don't think I'm coping vey well.’ You feel him sigh.

‘You want me to schedule you in to see someone?’ He asked.

‘I think so.’ You said, you didn't really want to talk to anyone but Phil, but you figured there was only so much he could do for you.

‘Did you…’ He stopped and considered what he was about to say. ‘Why did you kiss me?’

‘The honest truth?’ You said, you felt him nod. ‘I was too tired to pretend I haven't wanted to do that since the day I met you.’ You could feel his chest deflate in relief.

‘Your dad would definitely kick my ass.’ He chuckled against you.

‘Probably.’ You laughed with him. You could feel yourself drifting towards sleep and you knew he didn't mind.


	7. A Rude Awakening

You woke feeling sweat drip down your face and chest, there was a warm pain finding its way up your arm, your eyes weren't quite open yet, but you knew something was wrong. Your breathing was ragged and you could feel the last of intense anger float away as your tried to work out what was happening.

You could feel a cool draft by your feet and realised just how tired your legs felt holding your body upright. Your hip was aching more than usual and your hands were curled into tight fists. It was very apparent that you had been holding your breath and as soon as you released it, everything slotted into place. One of your fists was down by your side but the other was buried deep into the wall opposite your bed. Your eyes flew open when your heard your name being whispered softly by Phil who was slowly approaching you, being careful not to scare you or cause you to do anymore damage to yourself.

You looked at him, feeling very helpless and very confused. ‘Phil.’ You whimpered. He immediately wrapped his hands around your fist and eased it away from the wall slowly. You could've sworn it was all a dream until the pain that was running up your arm began rushing back towards your hand.

Phil helped you sit down on the edge of your bed and began looking at your injury. You were slowly coming back to your senses and could see that the lamp beside your bed was on and Phil was in sweats and a hoodie. You could see the top of a scar on his chest and all of a sudden felt an unbearably strong urge to hold him and make him better. ‘What happened?’ You asked, your mouth feeling dry.

‘Another nightmare.’ He said gravely. ‘JARVIS said you called me. I came over.’ You remembered a while back, SHIELD technicians had come over to your apartment and put in several security systems, including one that alerted Phil and Director Fury – your first points of call as per your parents instructions – if you were being attacked or in any kind of trouble. It was at least clever enough to tell the difference between a nightmare and an actual attempt on your life. 

Phil didn’t even look at you and for a moment you thought he was angry at you for interrupting his sleep. Phil went about cleaning up your hand and put clean bandages on for you. He finished up and brought you a glass of water.

‘I'm sorry.’ You said quietly. Phil paced in front of you for a moment before letting out an angry sigh.

‘Why do you keep apologising?!’ He said a little too loudly. ‘Why do you keep insisting any of this is your fault?’ You didn't quite understand what he was talking about and briefly wondered again if you were still dreaming. ‘I'm supposed to take care of you! I'm supposed to be the one that protects you and I can't even do that right!’

It clicked. Everything clicked. Of course he blamed himself for what happened, of course he hated himself for liking you more than he should, of course he was angry about not getting to you on time. ‘It's not your fault.’ You tried to reason.

He laughed. ‘How can you sit there and say that when it so clearly is? How can you believe it's anything but my fault? I put you in danger by asking you for your help. I was the reason Novak came for you. I'm the reason you're having nightmares.’

‘Novak?’ You asked, your anger building again. ‘It was Novak?’ You hadn't really asked the details of who had attacked you, you could see how much it pained Phil and decided it was better to just leave it alone, it was over and it was time to move forward.

‘I- I didn't want to tell you.’ It said, still unable to look at you directly for any length of time. ‘It was Dr Novak’s son, Gregor. He sent his mercenaries to come for you, because of me.’

‘They didn't really care about the symbols did they? They just wanted me.’ People could say what they wanted about you, but you weren't stupid, far from it.

You could see the sudden resistance in his eyes, he wanted to stop, to take everything back and go back to nursing your hand. But the slight nod was unmistakable.

You took a moment to gather yourself, you knew your father had been involved in a lot of operations he couldn't even tell your mother about and you began to wonder just how many of those had been based around Novak. ‘Okay.’ You finally said. ‘So what do we do now?’ 

‘What?’

‘What do we do now? What's the next step?’ You clarified. Phil paused before he knelt down in front of you, taking the glass and setting it down on the floor and trying desperately not to touch any part of you, by putting his hands either side of your bare legs.

‘I don't think you realise what your saying. You're not coping, you said it yourself.’ His expression said too many things to count, on the one hand you could tell he was still angry, but he was also trying with everything he had not to treat you like a child, to give you the care you needed without coddling and trying hard not to look as if he wanted to kiss you right there and then.

‘You might be right.’ You admitted. ‘But I'm pretty sure I still survived two days of interrogation, I'm pretty sure I still have nightmares about it, I'm sure I have more scars than I've ever had in my life, I know I've never been in so much physical pain before and I'm certain that none of that would stop my parents from moving forward and dealing with it as best they could. So tell me why it should stop me? You said I was just like them and they were the two strongest people I've ever known in my life, they could do anything. I have to believe that I was meant to be as strong as them… Just help me do that, please… Please Phil, just tell me what they would do here?’ You hadn't even realised you were crying until Phil wiped away the tears on your cheek.

‘Okay. Okay I'll help you.’ He said, giving you a small smile. ‘Lets get you back in bed. You need to rest.’ 

Phil took the glass and set it beside your bed as you scooted back into your pillow. ‘Are you going to stay?’ You asked.

His brow knitted together slightly. ‘Do you want me to?’ 

‘Yes.’ Phil brought the blanket up and made sure you were warm.

‘Then I'll stay.’ He said and removed some hair from your eyes. He watched as your eyes began to close. ‘I'll be right outside if you need anything.’ Phil kissed your forehead and you felt him force himself away. You wished that he would just crawl next to you and hold you as you slept, you wanted to feel safe and you knew there was nothing safer than being wrapped in Phil Coulson’s arms.

Before you sunk into sleep completely, you thought you could almost feel the bed dip slightly as a new weight was added. You felt so warm and so safe as you finally got some well earned rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think of the story so far!


	8. The Welcome Wagon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On your way to HQ.

You woke with the sharp ringing of your alarm, you had a moment of panic before you settled enough to turn onto your back, or rather someone's arm. You quickly turned to see Phil waking up as well, you adjusted so that you were laying on your back next to him and he was on his side facing you. You could still see the top of a scar and desperately wanted it not to be there.

He frowned a little before reaching over you to turn off your alarm. You could smell the day old aftershave he had on. It was a warm musky scent that was gone well before you were done taking it in. He settled back next to you and for just a few moments you just watched each other.

‘Morning.’ He said, a smile forming on his lips. Lips, you remembered, that you had touched with your own the night before.

‘Morning.’ You whispered back. 

 

There was something different about waking up that day, there was something that just felt better than any other day you'd had in the past few months. You got up and went through your morning routine as you usually did, you showered, had breakfast, collected your things and waited for Phil to come back and pick you up. He had gone back to his own place in New York and changed into his classic suit and to pick up his own files for the day.

 

You had gone through most of the day feeling noticeably more focussed on your work and even got the daily reports in well before the deadline was due. Your meeting with Phil had gone well, so much so that he had been asked to schedule a meeting between yourself and Director Fury for the following week in Washington to discuss an upcoming assignment, something Phil seemed both excited and nervous for.

‘Did you get laid last night?’ Darcy asked stepping into your small corner of the office, you were about to take a sip of your steaming mug of coffee when she interrupted. You took a small sip anyway and leaned back in your chair to observe her.

‘Care to clarify?’ You said, coolly.

‘I don't know how much clearer I can be boss lady.’ She pulled up a chair and sat opposite you, she plugged in her iPod to the dock sitting on your desk and the soft melody began to play. ‘You're happy and in my experience, very few things make people happy like getting laid by a handsome spy man.’

You couldn't help but laugh. Over the course of the months you had known Darcy, she had managed to become a wonderfully intricate part of your life. ‘Darcy, how could I possibly have sex in the state I'm in.’ You said referring both to your hip and ribs with your bruised hand. 

‘If you wanted it bad enough, I'm sure you'd find a way.’ She came back, smiling.

‘Well, the answer is still no.’ You chuckled again, closing a file that was above Darcy’s clearance level. You picked up your coffee again and began sipping it under her unconvinced gaze. ‘What?’

‘You know I don't believe you right?’

‘I didn't get laid last night, I had another nightmare.’ You finally admitted.

‘Well yeah! You think I thought you got that playing Xbox?’ Darcy exclaimed, pointing to your hand that was beginning throb a little. ‘I know what you're like… So if you didn't get laid, what did happen last night?’ She settled back into the chair waiting for your response. You threw your leg over the other and sighed rubbing your temple.

‘Phil drove me home, he gave me a late Christmas present, we kissed, he walked me upstairs, he went home, I woke up with my hand in the wall, he bandaged me up and we went to sleep.’ You said trying to get her to drop the subject.

‘The hoodie?’ She asked pointing to the Captain America hoodie you were wearing. You had decided to wear it that day as it smelled faintly of Phil and you knew he had busy day ahead of him, there wouldn't be much opportunity to see him.

‘Yes.’

‘How was the kiss?’

‘Good.’

‘Just good?’

‘Very good.’

‘Tongue?’

‘A little.’

Darcy smiled in satisfaction. ‘Well, I'm proud of you… Did you tell him you love him yet?’

‘No!’

‘Why the hell not?! You guys have been doing this awkward dance for far too long, it's about damn time one of you gave in!’ You couldn't help yourself, any time Darcy got passionate about her opinions on you and Phil, you had to laugh.

‘Come on, let's get some lunch.’ You said standing up and finishing the rest of your coffee. Darcy raised her eyebrow at you and folded her arms. ‘What?’

‘You never remember to eat.’

‘Just be grateful then.’

 

You both sat in one of the far corners of the cafeteria as you ate your lunch and Darcy proceeded to tell you about the new man she had picked up in her life. She had been very detailed and it put you off your lunch slightly, but for the most part she seemed happy. 

You told her about your meeting with Fury the following week and she was less than pleased to learn that she would be without you for a whole three days.

‘What if there's an emergency? What if the apocalypse comes?’ She pleaded.

‘I'll only be a phone call away Darcy, as for the apocalypse, just follow protocol. You'll be fine.’ You chuckled.

‘You know sometimes I'm not sure if you're joking.’ Darcy sulked a little as you further went through some things she should know while you were away, but she took notes anyway and promised she'd do her best. 

 

A week later and a few less sleepwalking incidents, you were on a plane to SHIELD HQ, Washington, D.C. You had been to a psychiatrist twice and as you suspected, it was difficult to talk about things when you weren't exactly sure what it was you were supposed to say. You had also been checked and medically cleared to resume basic combat training with Romanov and May. 

Your hip was still aching a little and the bruising had started on your hand, but otherwise you felt fine. You were a little nervous about your meeting with Fury, but Phil had assured you that it was nothing to worry about, and reminded you that ‘no’ was an option you had.

‘He had a lot of respect for your father, he was the best field agent we had in Fury’s eyes, he'll pretty much give you anything you ask for.’ Phil said finishing off a bottle of water as he sat beside you on the plane. You had been playing cards with Romanov at the time and losing badly, her poker face was just too good.

‘And your mom was pretty high up on his list as well.’ She said. ‘I wouldn't be surprised if he offers you the job to head all of SHIELD’s linguistics department, if that's what you wanted… Though I think you'd make a damn good interrogator if you ask me. Best poker face I've ever seen, even better than Coulson’s.’ She said with a smile.

‘Hey!’ Phil feigned offence, it was clear that the two of them were very close and had even been through missions together. ‘I'm going to check on Fitzsimmons, no doubt if they're left alone too long, something's bound to malfunction.’ Phil said getting up and leaving you and Romanov to finish playing cards. 

‘You two are close?’ You asked, testing what information you could get from the red head opposite you.

‘I suppose some would say we are.’ She said intentionally vaguely. ‘He's been my handler on a lot of missions, it brings people together in some ways that talking can't.’ She said laying down her hand. It seemed the game was over. 

‘Tough missions?’ 

‘Some were, others were a cake walk.’ The Russian spy eyed you up for a moment. ‘I know you’ve probably heard this more times than you care to count, but you look a lot like your mother. I met her once, she walked me through hacking into a secure vault. She was very good at what she did. Can I ask how she died?’

You thought for a moment. Most field agents asked about your father and it turned out that they usually knew more about him than you did, something you hated. But your mother was always there, she didn't go into the field much and it was the way she liked it. She did most of her work either from home or from HQ. You knew all about your mother, the things she liked to cook, the tv shows she watched, the music she danced to, everything and that felt like something so much more private.

‘Tumours in her brain.’ You said thinking back to when you were told by Fury that your mother wouldn't survive, that there was nothing he could do for her. ‘She died when I was twelve, it tore my dad in two that he couldn't be there for us, but I got it, I understood. He was out keeping us safe, making the world a better place for me.’ You couldn't look at Romanov any longer and turned your eyes to the window and watched the clouds graze over the wing of the plane. 

‘And is it a better place?’

‘I didn't think it was that great back then.’ You said truthfully. ‘It doesn't seem to have changed much. But I suppose it could be worse, right?’ 

You sat in silence for a few moments, both thinking on your parents and how good they were at their jobs, how loving they were to you and how they tried. It was the most important thing in the world to you, that they tried. Their best was all you ever needed and they gave it to you at every turn.

‘I know what it's like you know.’ She said, bringing you back to reality. ‘To need to grow up before you're ready, to need to be someone you're not so the people around don't have another thing to worry about. I understand… Coulson’s a good man, he had to grow up pretty fast too. I know he was close to your parents, I can't imagine what it's like for him to have that guilt and the added pressure of protecting their only living daughter.’ 

‘That's why you're training me though, isn't it?’ You said, you couldn't bear the thought of someone else seeing just how guilty Phil was feeling. ‘So that he doesn't have to feel as guilty anymore?’

‘I'm training you… In case Coulson doesn't get to you on time.’ It was a harsh reality that you had heard before. ‘You got pretty lucky last time, but next time it might not be two days, it could be weeks or even months. I'm training you to last as long as possible and to cope with what happens afterwards. He's pretty adamant about that part.’ 

You stayed silent. You weren't exactly sure what to say, so you both just sat with each other until the plane landed. You picked up your bag and exited with Romanov at your side. Phil was no where to be seen, you just assumed he was still dealing with Fitzsimmons. The ramp lowered and there stood Nick Fury and Maria Hill, the last two people you expected to welcome you to HQ.


	9. The Assessment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're put through the tests and the results are explained in your meeting with Fury. Phil has mixed feelings about it.

Hill and Fury had been somewhat pleased to see you, or at least that's what you presumed they looked like when they were pleased. Romanov had taken you down to your quarters in HQ which consisted of the bare minimum, a bed, a set of drawers, a bathroom and a small desk. 

You quickly set up your laptop and sent an email to Darcy to let her know you had landed safely. You didn't wait for her reply, you had another meeting with your psychiatrist, Dr Wright, he had wanted to do another analysis of your mental state. Wright was a nice enough person, but he seemed to be so much more thorough than he had been before, asking you much more personal questions that seemed to put you to the test a little. As soon as it was over you had a combat session with Romanov to complete. 

‘This going to be tough,’ she said circling you. ‘You ready?’ You nodded and took a deep breath. She wasn't wrong, she hadn't let up in the slightest and you weren't sure it was because Fury was watching from the balcony or because she had steam to let off as well. You managed to hold your own pretty well though, you caught her a couple times and paid the price for it, but all in all you thought you did fairly well. 

Next came the medical, again Simmons was extra thorough, doing more tests and making you go through more endurance tests than in New York. Your suspicions were beginning to be raised a little, you approached May in the corridor as you were heading to bed and asked her directly what was going on.

‘Why is everyone being so thorough?’ Your voice was raised a little and you had to work to keep the noise down.

‘I'm sure Fury will explain everything tomorrow at your meeting.’ You didn't have a chance to further question her as she walked away from you without another word on the subject.

Eventually you decided to just head into your quarters. You checked your emails and saw a reply from Darcy.

[Glad to hear it! Good luck with everything! I'll miss you boss lady :( xx]

[It’s a couple more days Darcy, I'm sure you'll survive.]

Emailing her, reminded you that you still hadn't seen Phil since you got off the plane, you quickly typed out a text as you laid your aching body down to sleep.

[Not seen you all day. Think I passed all the tests, not sure why they were so much more thorough though?]

You settled down and watched the ceiling waiting for a reply that never came.

 

Your alarm woke you early that day, you could feel something hard against your head and realised that you were on the floor of your room. You did a quick check of yourself and found that you only had a small amount of pain from your training session the day before and that was it.

You woke up properly and felt the need for a shower immediately, you felt grungy and dirty. You weren't exactly sure of how long you stood there for, but feeling the hot water run down your back was incredible. It soothed you in places you didn't know needed to be soothed. 

A scar on your forearm caught your eye, the glass that you had in your arm back in the bar, the thing that really started everything off, you wouldn't have been in the hospital if it wasn't for the glass and you probably wouldn't have joined SHIELD if it wasn't for those two men fighting beside. You suddenly wondered if their fighting had been intentional, to get you to the hospital so they could get into your apartment and capture you while you were already weak. You thought you must've been imagining things, there's no way it could've happened like that, you couldn't imagine anyone planning your capture to that extent.

You turned the water off and prepared yourself for your meeting with Fury, you hoped it wouldn't be anything too rigorous, you were just too tired for that.

 

'Take a seat.' Fury told you as you walked into the big conference room, you looked down the table full of people. Hill and Coulson sat either side of Fury with Dr Wright and Simmons on one side opposite May and Romanov. You hadn't realised it would be such a full room. ‘I presume you don't know why you're here.’ Fury stated. Phil had a look on his face that you couldn't quite place, you thought for a moment that it could be regret, but that didn't make much sense. You shook your head at Fury’s statement.

‘Well, you're here because Agent Coulson needs a skilled linguist and you just so happen to be the perfect fit for his team.’ Fury began. You could tell that the file in front of him was yours but he never once opened it. ‘That and we think it could be good for you to get some field experience, that is if you're serious about joining SHIELD?’

That seemed to grab everyone's attention. Nearly everyone's eyes were on you, waiting for your response. ‘I am.’ You said, staring straight at Fury but keeping your attention on Phil who seemed distracted. 

‘Good, then let's give you the run down of yesterday's tests.’ He said, giving Hill her cue to ask the relevant questions to each person at the table.

‘You passed the medical Simmons gave you.’ She began in her professional, no nonsense voice. ‘Anything we should be made aware of in your findings?’

‘Aside from the injuries you still have, there's nothing to suggest any permanent physical damage has been sustained. Though I would suggest taking it easy for a few days and letting your ribs heal properly.’ She said, you saw Phil wince ever so slightly at the mention of your injuries and it hit you just how hard it might've been for him to sit there and listen to them talk about how broken you had become in the space of a couple of months.

‘Good, I'm sure Agent Coulson can arrange for you to rest for a few days to allow the proper medical attention you need.’ Hill stated, Phil simply nodded and continued scratching his pen against the file. ‘Agent Romanov, your findings? How's the training coming along?’

‘She's good, good balance, excellent reflexes, endurance isn't a problem we know that much from the encounter you had a while back.’ Phil shot Romanov a death glare before thrusting his eyes back down. ‘I've passed on a thorough report to Agents Coulson and May outlining strengths, weaknesses and where I think you'll fit into the team dynamic where combat is concerned.’

‘You've both received the report and read over it?’ Hill asked. May nodded.

‘Not yet, I've read the bullet points though, I'll read it before we set off and make the appropriate arrangements.’ Phil admitted, still not able to look you directly in the eye.

‘See that you do.’ Fury cut in.

‘We’ll continue training on the bus and send regular updates along with everything else.’ May told Hill and Romanov.

‘Dr Wright, anything Agent Coulson needs to be aware of regarding mental health?’ Coulson took a much more particular interest in what Wright had to say.

‘Well, there are a few things.’ Wright began. ‘Nothing that can't be dealt with using a few prescriptions and regular contact with myself. We have some abandonment issues, which unfortunately we know make the best field agents, so there's nothing major there. Still having nightmares and some sleepwalking incidents, something that will have to be monitored closely, though we can prescribe a sedative which Dr Simmons will monitor and make the appropriate changes to if necessary. We have a few anger management issues, those seem to be a recent development; you're quick to get angry when you or a loved one is threatened, but we can attribute this to your well decorated family and the obvious problems that were had there… The only thing I would be slightly concerned about is… Well, you seem to have a hard time believing you have worth, which can lead to issues as severe as suicidal tendencies.’ If Phil didn't have his stoic agent mask on, his face would be contort with agony.

‘Do you agree with Dr Wright’s assessment of you?’ Fury asked, you cold tell he was testing your response.

‘Well, he's the professional, not me.’ You came back with. It might not have been the right answer, but it seemed to settle his suspicions that you weren't right for the team.

‘Like I said, regular contact and prescription sedatives will do the trick here.’ Wright assured everyone. ‘Also regular praise for good work and positive discipline from Agent Coulson will be required to boost your ego to a healthy level.’ Wright had a look in his eye that told you there was something more to that than he was letting on.

‘Okay then.’ Fury said leaning forward in his chair. ‘Agent Coulson, is there anything you would like to add to this discussion, any questions you have at the moment?’

Phil seemed to be a million miles away before Fury brought him back to the room. ‘No questions at the moment, except the obvious. Do you want this?’ There seemed to be too many layers to the question that only you and Phil knew about. The room turned all of its attention to you.

‘I do. On a condition.’ You directed your statement to Fury.

‘What's the condition?’ He asked, suddenly very curious.

‘Why me?’ You had a right to know why you were being picked out over the dozens of other more qualified, more combat ready, more mentally stable options they had.

Fury gave you a smile and sat back. ‘I'd like a moment.’ Everyone in the room got up bar Hill and Coulson, they knew exactly what was about to be said. Once the room was clear Fury stood up and wandered over to the large window that over looked Washington.

Hill watched you, she was searching for something in your face. Phil on the other hand went back to his scratching.

‘Do you have any idea how rare it is nowadays to find the perfect combination of physical and intellectual attributes in an agent?’ Fury asked. It was a rhetorical question. ‘Your parents were the best this world has ever seen and they knew it. They were not egotistical, not by a long shot, but they knew what they were capable of and they milked it for all they were worth in order to build a better world. That drive they had was only increased to dramatic levels by one thing, the birth of a beautiful baby girl. This is your birth right, your inheritance.’ Fury thrust his arms out to indicate the world at his feet. ‘You were lucky enough to get the best from both of them and they saw that the moment you were brought into this world. I remember the day they both waltzed into the my office, hand in hand and told me that if I wanted to keep their services I had to ensure the safety of their child. A simple enough request so I fulfilled it for them. SHIELD has been there your whole life, in ways you can't possibly imagine. I have every faith in you as an agent and under Coulson’s guidance, I believe you have the ability to surpass the achievements of your parents. That's why you.’ Fury finished and a small amount of terror ran through your body.

‘That's a big ask.’ You said, half laughing to cover up your terror.

‘We know.’ Hill cut in. ‘But if you're half the person your parents were, you'll do fine.’

You looked down at your hand, unsure of what you were supposed to do. How could you possibly be anything your parents were if you couldn't even handle your nightmares? It seemed an impossible task. Silence fell over the four of you for what felt like hours until Phil, to your surprise, broke it.

‘I told you that saying no was an option.’ His voice so much softer than Hill or Fury. ‘It still is. But you have to understand that you have unprecedented potential to be better than any agent we ever had. You could even be leading the charge one day.’

‘Not before you.’ Fury reminded Phil, though he didn't seem to hear him, or rather ignored the comment completely.

‘This is your choice, you have all the cards here.’ Phil was begging you to make the right choice, the unfortunate thing was, you didn't know what the right choice was anymore, what if you couldn't surpass your parents? What if failure was imminent the second you walked out the door? You needed time.

‘Can I think about it?’ You ask.

‘I'll give you the day, but the bus leaves tonight. I'd like you to be on it.’ Fury told you.

You nodded and left before Phil could catch you to talk. You needed to be alone.


	10. Call Me Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're offered advice from an unlikely face.

You wandered around outside HQ for a while, taking in the fresh air and just needing a bit of space for a while. You sat next to a fountain, watching all the business men and women wandering around, going about their days like they had the most important jobs in the world. You asked yourself for a moment, were these the people that you were being asked to protect? These people with their briefcases full of drinking habits, family troubles and greedy personalities. These are the people you were having nightmares for, walking around in constant pain for and they didn't even know it. They just saw someone sitting near a fountain, having a think and that was it. The question hanging over your head: were they worth saving?

‘Mind if I join you?’ It wasn't a familiar voice. You turned to see a tall blonde man with an extraordinarily kind face offering you a coffee in return for a seat.

‘Steve Rogers.’ You said knowingly. You nodded for him to sit as he handed you a coffee cup.

‘Call me Steve. I had to get your coffee order from Agent Coulson, he said you liked it strong and sweet.’ Steve smiled at you.

‘Did he send you out here to convince me to join his team?’ You asked honestly.

‘No, he said you were thinking about it though.’ Steve watched the people with the same look of contemplation you had and you wondered if he was asking himself the same questions. ‘If you want my opinion, I'd tell you to go with Coulson and never turn back. He's a good man and he clearly cares about you. Maybe even more than he should.’ Steve raised his eyebrows briefly, his face was too kind to be cheeky, but he somehow pulled it off whilst being a positive image for all families everywhere. ‘I'm not judging, I know he's concerned about the age gap and all the other problems he's imagining, but I have to say it's nice, seeing him happy for once. It's not a common occurrence these days.’ He sipped his coffee and continued watching the people around him.

‘He seems pretty miserable if you ask me. I'm not even convinced he wants me on his team.’ You admitted.

‘Trust me, he wants you there with him. He's a better man where you're concerned and he knows it.’ Steve turned to look at you directly and you saw his bright blue eyes pierce yours. ‘If I was given the option, I'd go without a second thought, but I understand that you've got a big decision to make… To put it as bluntly as I can, you've got nothing to lose here, you don't have family, you don't have any close friends and you've got an entire agency of people wanting you. I had to make a big choice once, it wasn't easy, not by a long shot, but I think in the long run its worth it.’ Steve gave you another warm smile and continued to sit with you.

He was right of course, it sounded harsh as anything, but there was no escaping it was true, you had absolutely nothing to stay for, your grandmother no longer recognised you and you had no close friends to speak of except Darcy who was a recent addition and you finally felt like you belonged somewhere. ‘I heard your mom was a fan.’ Steve chuckled breaking your thoughts.

You laughed. ‘I think it was more my dad that was the fan. He got my mom a Captain America hoodie that conveniently fit him.’ Steve chuckled with you for a moment, you assumed it was something he'd probably heard before, but he did a good job of pretending like it was the first time. ‘I know Phil's a fan.’ You said. 

‘Yeah, he asked me to sign his cards, never got the chance before-‘ Steve stopped mid sentence. ‘It doesn't matter, he's here and I arranged to get him a new set of cards and I signed them for him.’ 

‘What were you about to say?’ You pressed. ‘Before what?’

‘I can't talk about it.’ Steve looked down at his cup that now had his full attention. ‘Coulson’s been through hell and back, I'm sure he'll tell you if the timing is right. But unfortunately you know how they are with their secrets.’ Steve half shrugged and you nodded. You got it, you understood that there was a system in place, that there was always a reason for the secrets.

There was a sharp autumn breeze that caressed your face and sent a small sting in your hand where your knuckles had begun to scab over. You quickly pulled your hand back into your sleeve to stop the sting, but not before Captain America noticed. ‘Still hurt?’ He asked.

‘Would you believe me if I told you I'd been through worse?’

‘Absolutely.’ You saw a flicker of sorrow flash over Steve’s face before it was gone again. ‘You'll probably go through worse yet, have to make some decisions that you won't be proud of, but you'll get through it. You seem like a very strong individual, and I just met you. I think you're over analysing this choice though, making it more complicated than it really is.’ He sipped his coffee and watched the fountain for a brief moment.

‘What do you mean?’

‘There's only one question I'd ask myself if I were in your position and the first answer I came up with, I'd go with that.’ He took a small breath and gave you another look. ‘Do YOU want this? Not, do you think your parents would be proud, not do you think Coulson needs you, but do you want to be something more than what you are now to protect all these people right here.’ Steve threw his hands out pointing at all the people that were walking around in front of him. ‘The things these people stress about, the things they think are important, you and I know perfectly well don't even rate on the scale of importance. But I wouldn't want them to know what's really out there, I wouldn't them to feel scared that their lives don't mean anything. It's not about them not being ready to hear that the world they in a much scarier place than they realise, it's about the fact that they don't want to hear it.’

You sat and thought on it for a few minutes, he was right. No one wanted to know that the world was full of people that would drag them from their beds and interrogate innocent people for small pieces of seemingly useless information. They wanted to think that the worst the world has to offer was taxes and a briefcase full of skeletons. ‘I don't know what to do.’ You finally admitted, by the time you turned around, Steve was already gone. You could just about make out his tall figure walking back towards HQ some way in the distance, but for the most part you were once again left alone.

 

The sun was beginning to set and you still hadn't made a choice. Every time you asked yourself if you wanted this, you mind would go blank, you didn't know what you wanted. Your phone buzzed in your pocket, you took it out and looked at the text from Phil.

[Times up. Fury wants an answer now. The bus leaves in two hours.]

You sighed watching the last of the people around the fountain head home to their families and suddenly it was abundantly clear what you wanted. You wanted to belong, you wanted to have worth, just like your parents, you wanted to carve your own name out into the world and show everyone exactly what you could do. You replied to Phil's text.

[Ill be in Fury’s office in twenty mins. I hope you won't be disappointed in my decision.]

Phil might've wanted you around, but there was no way he wanted you on that bus, but how else would you learn how to be a good agent if you didn't have him there with May training you to be the best you could possibly be. You knew it would be hard and that sometimes you'd feel like giving up entirely, sometimes you'd have nightmares and sometimes you'd cry, but no one was stopping you from this now, this was your world and you'd fight tooth and nail to protect it, that's what your parents really died for, your freedom to choose this or something else.

You tossed the cup into a bin and walked back to HQ.


	11. Just Say Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil comes to give you a lecture, but it ends up as something much better ;)

Fury had been ecstatic at your choice, or at least the twitch at the corner of his mouth was as about as close as you thought he could get to displaying happiness. Hill was the same, a small twitch and that was their version of being pleased about something. Phil on the other hand just looked painfully restrained and Romanov simply nodded shaking your hand and welcoming you to SHIELD properly.

‘Bus leaves in an hour.’ Fury said as he returned to his desk. ‘Pack your things, Agent Coulson will introduce you to the team once you're on board and tell you what's what in the air. You're going to Hong Kong.’

‘Yes sir.’ You said and again without giving Phil the time to change your mind, you went back to your quarters and typed out an email to Darcy.

[I guess you'll be told soon, I'm heading out to join Agent Coulson’s mobile team. I'll pretty much be travelling all over the world fighting bad guys. I'll miss you and our little chats, but I promise I'll email when I can. Thanks for everything Darcy.]

You weren't exactly sure what else there was to say, so you sent the message as a knock came at your door. ‘Come in.’ You called as you began checking other emails from the linguistics department in New York and other nonsense that was clogging up your inbox. There was, however, an email from Fury outlining your role on the team and others such things about your new assignment. You opened the email and downloaded the file to read later.

Phil came into your quarters and you should have realised he'd corner you sooner or later and give you the lecture you knew was coming. He looked tired though, like sleep had escaped him the last couple of nights. He shut the door behind him and leaned against the wall just next to you with his hands tight in his pockets. 

He didn't say anything for a few moments, so you simply saved your briefing file to your desktop and continued packing. Phil just stood watching you with an almost blank expression on his face. You couldn't bear the silence much longer so you decided to speak up.

‘Look Phil, I know you don't want me on the bus, but you have to understand that I never belonged anywhere else. I have to do this, it feels right to me and like you said, I've got potential, I could be a good agent if you teach me how.’ His face gave nothing away, but you knew that his mind was racing at a million miles an hour.

‘I asked you if you wanted this.’ He said quietly. ‘You said yes, you took a whole day to think about it. I thought that my feelings for you would cloud your judgement, but when I spoke with Rogers, he said that it was the last thing you thinking about, said that you were all too aware of what was being asked of you, that you could go out on my orders and be killed in action just like your father and you said yes anyway. Dr Wright said that it had nothing to do with your delusion of being worthless, that you had your mothers stubbornness and determination to succeed at everything.’ Phil swallowed thickly. ‘I could not be anymore proud and scared for an agent than I feel right now.’

You paused for a moment, you weren't sure what you wanted to say, but you knew that you had to clear the air before you stepped onto that bus. ‘I have to ask the question here, Phil.’ You started. ‘How do you feel about me?’

Phil straightened up and smiled a little. ‘I'm still figuring that out as well.’ You could see him race through everything he thought about you in his mind. ‘On the one hand I think you're incredibly frustrating and almost untameable, I think you over think things, but have the ability to focus when you need to, I think you pick up things quicker than most and it helps you adapt very quickly to any given situation… And I think you are quite possibly the most beautiful person that I've ever met.’ Phil stared at his shoes for a moment before taking a small step towards you. ‘I want you on the bus, I want you with me for the reason that I can't focus when you're not around, I spend half the time worrying about whether your safe or not and the other half trying to convince myself that I'm an idiot for thinking like that.’ He looked you straight in the eyes. ‘The night I spent sleeping next to you was one of the happiest nights of my life, I felt like that was where I should always be… I can't stop thinking about kissing you again, I can't stop wanting to sleep next to every night and I can't stop hoping that you feel the same way… But if you don't, if you think I'm too old or it's too weird then that's fine, I promise I'll not treat you any differently from anyone else on that bus. I just had to get everything out in the open and let you make your own choice here.’ He finished and waited for your reply.

‘Kiss me.’ It was all you wanted. It was all you could do to restrain yourself thus far, but hearing him saying all of those things to you, hearing him pretty much tell you he was in love with you was everything you needed at that moment.

He didn't need to be asked twice, but he did take his time. He approached you, never breaking eye contact, his hands found your hips and caressed them lightly, finding their way up your waist, pulling your body closer into his. He gave you a small smile as he went straight for your neck, pressing an intense series of kisses over your shoulder, your collarbone and up your throat, his tongue gliding over your lips before neither of you could resist any longer. Phil guided you back against the wall, as his lips pressed to yours with a small moan. You could feel his hands roaming over your hips again and soon finding their way under the hem of your shirt to touch your skin, to which he gave another small moan. 

Phil was either an extremely skilled kisser, or he was a mind reader, because he was giving you everything you wanted when you wanted it. You felt his tongue dip into your mouth tasting the last remaining coffee on your own tongue and caressing it.

You could feel your hips pushing into his as you craved more attention, more contact, more Phil. Until a sharp pain shot through your rib cage, making you stop and gasp slightly. Phil stopped immediately, his hands drifted up your body and put just a little too much pressure on your injured ribs. ‘I'm sorry.’ He whispered against your neck, his thumb was now stroking over your bruised skin gently.

‘It's okay.’ You whispered back, feeling completely out of breath already. You stayed where you were for a few moments longer, just feeling him place tiny kisses over your neck and shoulder, this time being very careful not to hurt you in any way at all. You missed the intensity already, but you both had a plane to catch and a mission to go on.

‘This is probably the worst time to be doing this. We have to leave in thirty minutes.’ Phil said, finally building the strength to pull himself away from you.

‘Yeah, I know.’ You said adjusting your shirt so that it was somewhat appropriate. ‘I need to change my shirt, will you help me?’ The last few times you had worn anything other than a buttoned shirt had been struggle to get in and out of the damn thing. Phil swallowed again and nodded.

‘Turn around.’ He said, he didn't want any more reason than he already had to stop everything and devour you with more kisses. You did as he asked and felt him approach you once again. He helped you get out of your shirt awkwardly, feeling his hands glide over your hips again, your waist and up your back… They stopped. You had completely forgotten about the scar on your shoulder blade, you could feel his thumb tracing it slightly before you pulled away and quickly put your button up shirt on. 

‘Come on.’ You said turning around to smile at him. ‘We'd better get going.’ Phil still had an angry look on his face. You couldn't help yourself, you put your hand on his jaw and got him to look at you. ‘Hey, it's okay. I'm okay. I promise.’ You whispered. You quickly pressed a kiss to his cheek and it seemed to bring him back to the room. He nodded and took half a moment to slip his agent face back on and picked up your bag for you. 

You headed to the bus and said a quick good bye to Romanov and Steve who both wished you luck with genuine smiles. 

All in all you felt pretty good about everything. You were about to invest yourself in a brave new task with a team of highly trained professionals and Phil was guiding you the whole way there.


	12. The Package

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A detour to Paris catches you all slightly off guard.

Six months down the line and you had already circled the globe a handful of times, but you were exhausted. Between your missions off the bus, your training sessions with May and your own work consulting with the main linguistics department at HQ, you couldn't seem to find the time to relax or even give yourself half a chance to heal properly. There always seemed to be something wrong, a few cracked or broken bones, an infected wound, aches and pains in numerous places and your lack of sleep had all taken its toll on you.

Your relationship with Phil had grown somewhat complicated with his constant monitoring of your sleeping patterns and your work becoming increasingly important to the team's focus. You felt like he was treating you like a child some days and like an enemy other days. But you both seemed to forget all that when you found yourself alone for all too brief moments and fell into each other's embrace, even if it was only a few minutes at a time.

Your training sessions were going well, you had already mastered May’s moves and we're now being asked to spar with Skye at the same time. Overall you were both doing well and felt confident when asked to go into the field together. May had even said that sparring with Coulson could've been beneficial for you both; you hadn't really seen Phil in the field yet, he mostly handled from the bus or had Trip with him. You figured it was because Phil was mostly a strategist rather than a field agent, but after talking with May you found that the truth was very different.

‘He used to go out on missions with your father all the time.’ She said, as Skye tried to disarm you. Failing on the first attempt, succeeding on the second. ‘I'm surprised he didn't tell you that.’ She added frowning, it was enough of a distraction for Skye to get the upper hand on you and plant you on the ground. You could feel all your aches flare up at once, and took her hand to help you up.

‘It's never come up.’ A voice from the door came. All three of you turned to see Coulson rolling his sleeves up of his shirt, with a concerned look. ‘May get the bus in the air, we’re detouring to Paris for a pick up on our way home.’ He said leaving the room as quietly as he entered. May nodded to both you and Skye before leaving after him. You began packing up and getting ready to go back to work.

‘Wonder what the package is?’ Skye wondered out loud.

‘Must be important if it's going back to HQ.’ You said. You both just shrugged, whatever it was, it wasn't really your concern and you had your own work to concentrate on anyway.

 

You and Skye ended up being the ones to pick up the package from a safe house in the middle of Paris, May had originally been reluctant to allow you to go in alone, but Coulson argued that you'd have to be without back up one day and it was a good chance for you both to get some field experience. 

It looked like a cake walk anyway, you'd be going in, collecting the package and returning to the bus, no suspected attempts were going to be made and Paris was full of SHIELD operatives anyway. You'd be perfectly safe.

May was helping Fitz and Trip gear up the bus for the journey home and Phil was on comms guiding you to the safe house.

‘The building in front of you, it's got a wooden door and an Agent smoking to the left.’ He said in your ear. You both spotted it straight away and slyly changed your direction to head towards the burly Frenchman. He put out his cigarette and spoke in French to you.

‘Sorry this building’s closed for renovation.’ He said. Skye just let you take over and you responded.

‘I hope the rain doesn't come in through the roof while it's being renovated.’ You said, you had revised the code phrases, unsure of what nationality would greet you at the door. You waited for him to open the door for you.

He opened the door slowly and directed you to the next checkpoint. ‘I thought it was unlikely he'd be French?’ Skye asked as you wandered through the stone building.

‘Unlikely, but not impossible.’ You said ascending the carpeted steps. ‘He was Spanish anyway, French wasn’t his native language.’ Skye gave you a look as if to ask how the hell you could tell, you just smiled and pointed to yourself. ‘Linguist remember? It's my job to know these things.’

‘You should be coming to the next checkpoint.’ Coulson said. ‘Agent Willis should be there to take you to the room he's being kept in.’ You both stopped for a split second.

‘What exactly is the package Coulson?’ Skye asked as panic started to creep through you both.

‘Agent Willis will explain.’ Was all he said. You continued up the stairs and headed down the corridor towards two more SHIELD agents.  
‘I'm Agent Willis.’ A short blonde woman greeted you both, shaking your hands. She had bruising on her knuckles and a few cuts and scrapes on her face. ‘Glad to see you made it here okay. I take it Coulson has made the arrangements to keep the package in a secure container for transportation to the fridge?’ She asked.

‘We have.’ You recited what Coulson was saying in your ear.

‘Good. You'll need it.’ She said opening another door for you both to step through. You found yourself in a darkened room with a man sitting tied to a chair, he had longish, dark, greasy hair draped over his face and his clothes were bloodied up and filthy. ‘We've given him a sedative, not a strong one, but it should be enough to get you back to the bus.’ The Frenchwoman told you. ‘But I urge you to be careful. He will not hesitate to kill you if he feels threatened in any way.’ 

You and Skye both looked at each other. It should've been a cake walk.

Skye had managed to get a hold of a car and bring it round to the front of the building, you weren't taking any chances if this man really was as dangerous as you were told he was.

You had slipped a bag over his head once you were in the blacked out car and began driving back to the bus. Skye had opted to drive and you sat the wrong way round in the passenger seat with your gun ready to put the package down if need be. He hadn't spoken the entire way, but it was clear the sedative was wearing off quicker than you would've liked.

‘Skye you'll have to drive a little faster if you want to avoid an incident.’ Coulson advised. Skye didn't say anything, but began driving much closer to the speed limit than before. There was an unspoken agreement that neither of you would speak until the package spoke, if he even knew how. ‘We've been given specific orders to ensure he makes it back alive, flesh wounds only if necessary.’ You understood and adjusted you position slightly so that your gun was pointed at his kneecap.

You had made it to the edge of the air field without an incident, but you were absolutely certain that the sedative had worn off completely, the package was now unusually still where before he seemed drowsy, now he was alert and it was somewhat worrying to everyone involved. You quickly took a look towards the bus and saw May and Trip waiting to take him down to the interrogation room. 

You took your eyes off of him for less than a second, but it was more than enough time for him to lift his legs and kick Skye's seat as hard as he could, causing the car to swerve and you to drop your gun under the seat somewhere. You felt the car tip over and land upside down. You had hit your head hard and knew instantly that you had a concussion and from the looks of things Skye wasn't much better either. She was still waking up and trying to get her bearings as you searched for the package, he was no longer in the back seat.

You scrambled to get yourself out of the car, you couldn't let him escape. You heard shouting from the distance, but couldn't make out the specific voices for the ringing in your ears. 

Suddenly you were kicked hard back against the car, you felt something pierce your leg, but couldn't worry about that just yet. He was coming at you again, his sharp green eyes filled with rage. His hands were still tied but it didn't stop him from trying to kill you. He went to throw his leg out at you again as you ducked underneath it and kicked his other leg as hard as you could, planting him flat in his back. 

You swiped up a piece of the door frame and hit him as hard as you could across his head, enough to knock him out, but not enough to kill him. He resisted for a second before his eyes fell shut. You gave him a small cut on his arm, to no reaction. He was definitely out. 

You rolled off of him and relaxed a little, still with the piece of door frame in your hand, in case you were wrong. May, Trip, Simmons and Coulson all came into view. May was assisting Simmons in getting Skye out of the car and onto a gurney. Trip was immediately on the package, covering his face again and picking him up; May grabbed his legs and they were being taken back to the bus with May shouting orders for Fitz to get the interrogation room open and ready. 

Coulson had already taken his tie off and tied it just underneath you knee to cut off the blood supply to your leg. You wailed out as he ensured it was tight. He picked you up and began helping you limp back to the bus. ‘I've got you.’ He said, getting you to put all your weight on him. ‘It's not bad, we’ll get you fixed up soon.’ Phil kept encouraging you all the way back to the bus.

Soon he was lifting you onto the bed next to Skye who was being tended to by Simmons. Phil had ripped your trouser leg enough to reveal more than a dozen tiny pieces of glass stuck in your calf and one or two in your hamstring. ‘Simmons, what do I need?’ He yelled. Simmons shouted something you couldn't quite make out. She was rushing around, but not enough to make you worry, Skye would be fine.

All of a sudden a light was being shone in your eyes, you shut them tight and immediately felt dizzy and exhausted. You could feel yourself falling asleep and you were tempted to let it take you. ‘You can't sleep sweetheart.’ You heard someone say. ‘You need to stay awake, you've got a concussion.’ You heard the voice beg you. You opened your eyes wide and could see Phil panicking over you. ‘That's it, stay awake. Keep your eyes open, keep them on me, okay?’ You could do that. You could watch him while he tended to you, you could do it.

You weren't exactly sure at what point you failed to keep your eyes open any longer, but soon you were being shaken awake by May. ‘You need to stay awake!’ She shouted. You could feel something painful happening to you leg, but couldn't quite work out what it was until you looked down and saw Phil digging around, pulling shards from your calf. The painful part was when he poured a sharp liquid on your open wounds to clear the blood. Your back arched in pain, but it was hard to move while May and Trip were holding you down. You were exhausted, why couldn't you just go to sleep? Just rest for a while? 

‘Because you have a concussion.’ May responded to your unspoken question and you remembered last time you were in this position that you had been mumbling instead of keeping your thoughts to yourself.

‘I know I remember.’ Simmons called over. Damn it!

‘I'm nearly done.’ Phil cut in. ‘Just a couple more and I can finish the stitches. Okay, just stay with us a little longer.’ You tried, but Phil didn't understand how tired your body was, you felt like you'd expelled all energy you had and were being asked to run a marathon. 

‘It's a good thing we’re in the air then, no tracks up here.’ Trip responded to you again. You really needed to get this under control, before you said something embarrassing. ‘Something embarrassing huh?’ Trip teased. ‘Like what?’

‘Shut up Trip!’ You yelled. Trip just laughed.

‘Just doing my job. Can't fall asleep if you're yelling at me can you?’ He chuckled. He had a point.

‘Okay that's the last piece.’ Phil said dropping the tools into a metal bowl next to your bed. 

‘Thank god!’ You sighed relief. May let go as you relaxed and went to check on Skye who was now sleeping, though Simmons was keeping a close eye on her. ‘Is she okay?’ You asked.

‘She’ll be fine, her body just needs time to rest.’ Simmons smiled at you.

‘That's hardly fair!’ You weren't exactly sure why you shouted, you weren't really in control of your volume or even what you were saying anymore, you were just trying to stay awake. ‘Why does she get to sleep? Why do I get someone poking around in my leg and someone yelling in my face?!’ You really had no idea of what you were saying anymore, all emotion was just flooding out of you. Trip laughed, but Phil was far too concerned with your injuries to entertain your delusional ramblings.

‘Luck of the draw I guess.’ Trip came back with. You continued the banter with Trip until most of your injuries were stitched up, Simmons eventually took over and Phil got cleaned up. Soon you were bandaged and were allowed to sleep. Phil had come to see how you both were just before your eyes closed and you finally got the rest you sorely needed.

 

You spent the rest of the journey to Washington sleeping and woke slightly when you and Skye were being transported to the SHIELD HQ medical facility. You felt the cool breeze on you face as you arrived in the dead of night. You thought you heard Fury and Phil having a heated debate before you slipped back to sleep.

When you woke again, you could hear the familiar beeping of a heart monitor and some talking in the distance.

‘Hey.’ You heard Phil say from beside you. ‘You okay?’ He asked softly.

You could feel yourself mumble something, but you were pretty sure it was just white noise and that not even you knew what it was supposed to be. 

Phil helped you to sit up, you head felt dull but otherwise you felt the same as every morning for the past couple of months. ‘Is the package safe?’ You asked, wanting to distract yourself from the tight aching in your leg.

‘I don't know why I'm surprised anymore.’ Phil chuckled and handed you some water and stood next to your bed. ‘You're okay by the way, in case you were wondering about your health… The package is in his way to the fridge as we speak. Fury wasn't so happy that I sent you and Skye in alone, but when I gave him the run down he seemed slightly more settled.’

‘I guess we failed then?’ You said, feeling miserable. 

‘No.’ He said bluntly. ‘You did an excellent job, I would've been very surprised if you made it back without an incident. I just didn't expect it to be quite as bad as that. It wasn't your fault. You both did good, you made me very proud.’ Phil smiled and it was only then, that you really took in just how tired he was. The last six months had gotten to him as well.

‘Okay. So when do I get to go home?’

‘Once you've been cleared and once Dr Wright has given you a quick assessment. It'll be painless, I promise.’ Phil added, seeing your expression, the thought of having to talk to Dr Wright was something you grew to hate. 

‘Okay fine.’ You gave in. ‘You should go home too, you know. You look like hell.’ Phil laughed and nodded.

‘Yeah, I know. I've got some work to do, but I'll head home as soon as it's done.’ He said. He watched you out of the corner of his eye, knowing you didn't believe him for a second, eventually he rolled his eyes and you could've sworn he was about to lean down and kiss you, just before a nurse came in. Phil turned away and rubbed his jaw as she checked your vitals and asked you how you were.

You cooperated as best you could, she removed your bandages and replaced them with fresh ones. Another doctor came in and took you through the normal routine, he ran through the test results and gave you specific instruction to take it easy over the two week recovery period you had off the bus, something you would have no touble in doing.


	13. Chinese Food and Good Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil comes over to your apartment and brings Chinese food and wine... Kissing ensues.

A week into your recovery and you were already feeling so much better. You had gotten a few good nights sleep and your leg was already looking good. You had been moved out of your apartment in New York and been put up in a similar looking one in Washington. It wasn't that far from Phil and you appreciated that, he had come to visit you a few times both before and after his working day, so you never really got a lot of time together. That was until you insisted he take at least two full days to actually relax, he had been reluctant and you knew that it was because Fury had more questions about the last six months, but you had gotten Dr Wright to insist to Fury that Phil got the proper recovery time.

You had been sitting working on a few things for the linguistics department, some recently discovered alien symbols that had an uncanny resemblance to ones you had found in Chile four months back, when a knock came at your door. You checked your watch and knew exactly who it was before you even got up.

‘You and Dr Wright seem to have a plan for everything.’ Phil said smirking at you. He had a bottle of wine and some Chinese food in his hands and simply walked past you towards your kitchen.

‘Yeah, we’re pretty much planning to take over the world one day.’ You said sarcastically. You closed the door and went back to your work.

‘Are you trying to add to my nightmares?’ He called from the kitchen. Your new apartment was still open plan but it was somewhat bigger than the one in New York. You were sure he mumbled something about interrupting his sleep but you were too concentrated on your work in front of you. 

Phil put down two glasses of wine on the table and shook his head as he noticed your coffee table was covered in pictures of alien languages. ‘So you get to work and I don't?’ He said going back to the kitchen to bring the food over.

‘Yup.’

‘You okay?’ Phil came back and handed you a box of chow mien.

‘Yeah, I'm just trying to work out what language this is.’ You soon gave up and sat back to enjoy your quiet night in. ‘How are you doing?’

‘Good, in between the meetings with Fury, the debriefs with Hill and my recently formed hobby of bringing you Chinese food, nothing could be better.’ Phil explained as he shovelled another mouthful of rice.

You just laughed at him and settled down to watch Family Guy reruns. Somewhere between another glass of wine and getting the leftover ice cream out of the freezer, you found yourself pressed underneath his body. You could feel the alcohol caressing your body, you weren't quite drunk, but you felt confident and relaxed enough to know what you wanted. 

Phil was kissing all up your neck, over your collarbone, over your chest with one hand caressing your hip and the other steadying himself above you. You felt his tongue trace a long line from just above your breasts, all the way up your throat and plant a strong kiss on your mouth, making you moan out a little. 

You could feel him slowing down though, maybe having second thoughts. ‘Maybe we shouldn't do this.’ He said, not really moving, but not encouraging himself to continue making you moan. 

‘Why not?’ It was a little more desperate than you intended, but you couldn't help it, this man did things to you that you couldn't explain.

‘I just mean… It's been a while… I don't want to-‘ he couldn't find the words, it was almost adorable, you began placing kisses along his jaw, getting him interested again. ‘I just don't want to disappoint you.’

You stopped to look at him. He really didn't get it. ‘Let me ask you something.’ You said. ‘Do you want this? Do you want me?’

‘Of course I do.’ Phil kissed you again, breathing you in, before pulling away again. ‘Of course I want you sweetheart. I always want you.’

‘Then why would you think you could possibly disappoint me?’ You smiled up at him and watched him take a moment to think. ‘Are you still worried you're too old for me?'

‘No it's not that.’ He shook his head. Phil sat up and rubbed his temple. ‘SHIELD doesn't like people dating as it is. Your parents were an unusual exception to that rule. I don't want you to think I'm just sleeping with you and then that's it, knowing full well that Fury would never let us have a relationship if I asked.’ Phil sighed and continued to rub his temple.

‘I can tell him.’ You said, rearranging yourself so that you were curled at the other end of the sofa.

‘What?’

‘Phil, if you're seriously worried about what Fury thinks then there's an easy fix for that. You said it yourself that you thought if I asked for something he'd pretty much leap at the chance to give it to me.’ You paused, wondering if you should really ask what you're about to ask. ‘But if there's something else bothering you? Maybe you need to think about if you really like me at all.’ You saw the sadness wash over his face and it pained you to think you caused that. ‘Because if you don't then that's fine, but I'm getting mixed signals over here and I'm starting to wonder myself.’ There, it was done, it was out in the open and you were ready for what came next.

Phil looked like you had just told him to get out of your house and never come back, he scooted closer to you and took your hand in his and began stroking it as he thought about what he wanted to say. ‘Sweetheart, the only thing that's bothering me now is that you could possibly think that I don't have feelings for you. I'm just worried that I can't give you what you want. I'm worried that I'll make a mistake that will cost you your life. I had that fear in Paris and I realised that I can't make that mistake again, I just can't lose you.’ Phil kissed your knuckles lightly, brushing his lips over them and soon tracing his lips over your wrist, making you melt into his touch just a little.

‘I can't lose you either.’ You admitted. ‘I trust you to make the right choices though, so now you need to trust me. And don't tell me that you do, because we both know that there's some doubt there.’ You said as he was about to interrupt. ‘I'm still learning, but I'll get it eventually and it won't be too late. I promise.’ You could feel yourself getting tired and you watched as Phil's eyes grew heavy. ‘Will you stay?’ 

‘Always.’ Phil helped you up off of the sofa and you held his hand all the way to the bedroom. You were still limping, but you knew that Phil wouldn't let you fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning guys, the next scene gets pretty intense, so if you don't want to read about sexy times then skip over the next chapter, I promise you won't miss anything ;) enjoy!


	14. Sexy Times for You and Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, long awaited sexy times. I hope I've done justice to the build up. Let me know how Ive done and if there are any mistakes. Enjoy!

You weren't exactly sure whether it was the alcohol or the fact that he was now unbuttoning his shirt, but you felt another unnatural urge to kiss Phil with everything you had. You felt his lips glide smoothly over yours once again, his hands pulling your hips into his. You could feel him hardening beneath his trousers and it turned you on so much, but you could feel it again, that reluctance getting to him, slowing his kisses. ‘Don't think.’ You said. ‘Just do it, if it feels right.’ You whispered, he paused for a moment before he began attacking your neck again, it felt so much more intense, his tongue, his teeth grazing over your skin making you open yourself up to him.

Phil guided you back to the bed, stripping his shirt off completely and getting a start on yours. He pulled at the hem of your shirt and once it was gone, took a moment to look at you, to take everything in. He stared you straight in the eyes and you saw that his were fully dilated, there was nothing he wanted more than you.

‘You're so beautiful.’ He whispered into your neck sending a shiver down your spine. You quickly tugged at his undershirt. He chuckled and helped you pull it off to reveal his strong chest and tight stomach, you saw the scar that had caught your attention once and lightly ran your finger over it. Phil watched you curiously, you could tell he was worried you'd hate him for it, that you'd think how ugly he looked with it, but truth be told, you thought it was kind of sexy. You gave him a quick look and a smile before using your tongue to glide up the scar, the moan that came from him at that moment was possibly the most erotic thing you had ever heard in your life.

You pressed another kiss to his lips and moaned into his mouth, parting your lips to allow him to thrust his tongue in and explore you mouth thoroughly. You felt his hand caress your back and find the back of your bra, he unhooked it easily and you let it fall to the floor. You heard him gasp as he looked down at your chest, his hands came up and gently brushed his thumbs over your hardening nipples.

You could feel your legs about to give out from under you, so Phil guided you further back and eased you down onto the bed. He unbuttoned the top of your jeans and pressed open mouthed kisses just below your belly button, he continued his exploration all the way up your stomach, your ribs, gently sucking on your nipples, making you moan under his mouth and pushing your hips up into his. 

He reached your mouth again and you could feel a smile form on his lips as he tugged at your jeans. He pulled them off along with your underwear and you had never felt quite so wanted in all your life. He traced more kisses up your inner thighs and paused just before he ran his tongue up your centre. You back arched and you moaned his name loudly.

He moved away a little and began running his tongue up your leg again and squeezing your hips, before his tongue floated over you again, giving you the bare minimum touch, it just made you crave him all the more when he stopped again to kiss your hips, using his teeth to bite down gently, leaving tiny marks over the areas he had been.

‘Phil… Please.’ You groaned, you needed him to go back to your centre and make you come. You wish was granted as he took his time, stroking his tongue, slowly and deliberately over your clit, seeing what made you moan, what made you want more and continued a pattern of circles and slow strokes, building up the intensity. You never really minded too much if a man went down on you, but for some reason when Phil Coulson did it, it became the most essential part of your experience.

Phil used his hands to part your legs a little wider, giving him more access to you and the intensity was increased, you could feel your body about to cave, your breathing was ragged and with Phil moaning into you, you knew you couldn't last much longer. ‘Phil.’ You moaned and it was all he needed to bring his speed down a little. He wanted to make this last as well, but before you could complain and beg him to go faster, he slipped his finger inside you moaning into you again and his tongue increased its speed as he began easing his fingers in and out of you. It was the perfect combination to make you come right there and then.

You could soon feel your body trembling under his tongue, his small moans sending vibrations through your core, you arched as your eyes fluttered shut and you completely came undone. Phil gave you one or two last strokes with his tongue, but he didn't let you take any time to recover. He kissed his way back up to your mouth, giving your body all the attention it craved. You felt his fingers gliding over every part of your body that now felt so much more sensitive than it did before and you knew that this was far from over.

‘You so beautiful.’ He whispered into your neck again. You reached down and began to undo his trousers, he laughed a little and backed off to take them off completely. He paused again for a moment and looked down at your body, you could see a look of desire wash over his face and it made you smile to think you had done that. Phil removed his underwear and you couldn't help but stare at his hardened cock. He climbed back on top of you and steadied himself above you, he placed tiny kisses over your jawline and just behind your ear, making you involuntarily push your hips up, feeling him nudge at your centre. 

You felt him laugh a little. ‘What?’ You asked worried that you had done something.

‘Nothing, I was going to ask if you really wanted this.’ He chuckled, he brought himself up to look at you. 

‘If I said no would you stop?’ You asked curious for his response.

‘Of course I would sweetheart, I'd stop everything if you asked me to.’ He placed a small kiss on your lips and you knew that he was telling you the truth. ‘I'd have a hell of a time stopping now, but I would do it, for you.’ He promised.

‘Don't stop Phil.’ You whispered against his lips. He parted his lips and allowed you to explore his mouth the same way he had done to you. You could feel him unable to to stop himself any further, he slid his length inside of you slowly. You threw your head back into the pillow and right on cue he moaned into your neck pushing further inside of you. You could feel him throbbing slightly as he began to move in and out of you slowly easing himself into a comfortable rhythm.

‘Is this okay?’ He whispered into your neck, you could feel the intensity building inside you again, feeling the closeness of him to you was beginning to be all too much.

‘I need…. More, Phil.’ You managed to somehow say. You felt him smile into your shoulder.

‘I won't be able to keep it up for long sweetheart, you feel too good.’ He admitted chuckling slightly. You didn't care though, you just wanted to feel that pressure building again to allow your climax once again. Phil began to move just a little faster, thrusting deeper every time, hitting you at just the right angle, just one more thrust and you'd come undone again.

You body trembled again and your back arched, you felt Phil lift a little giving you the room to move as he began moving just a little faster for another couple of thrusts, before you felt his hands squeeze your flesh and hear him moaning into your mouth.

You head felt so light and dizzy, but you loved it. This man gave you something that you hadn't felt in a long time, he gave you everything you needed at that moment, he gave himself completely over to you. You felt him roll off of you onto his back, still breathing heavily. You didn't let him go far as you snuggled into his chest while he pulled the blanket up to cover you both.


	15. A New Day, Another Set of Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up the morning after and something feels very wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys! The next chapter is coming very soon, just finishing editing now :) enjoy and let me know what you think.

You weren't sure of how long you both lay there, but you were pretty sure that sleep was imminent. Your body ached gloriously in places you didn't know you could ache. You turned over into a more comfortable position and Phil followed suit, he wrapped his arms around you and held you against his strong bare chest as sleep claimed you both.

 

It was the first morning you had woken up knowing that your sleep was nightmare free and it felt so good. You took a deep breath and turned over to find that you were in fact very much alone. The bed was cold beside you and you wondered if you had imagined the night before, if Phil really had come over with Chinese food and wine, if he really had kissed you and told you how beautiful you were. 

You heart dropped hard and you could feel your eyes swelling, it had been such a wonderful night and Phil had been so gentle and filled with passion for you, to think you could've just imagined it all broke your heart. You lay back in silence for a few minutes, listening for any movement in your apartment, before getting up to take a shower and start your day. You walked through to the kitchen with a tiny hope that Phil was simply sitting there with his morning coffee smiling and waiting for you to join him, but there was no such luck. In fact there was no sign he had even been in your apartment the night before, no Chinese boxes, no empty wine bottle, not even a wine glass. It didn't make any sense, your body ached, it ached like it should ache after sleeping with someone but there was nothing to indicate that anyone except you had been in that apartment all night.

You decided to call Phil and see if he had simply left early that morning.

‘Coulson.’ He answered with a stern tone.

‘Hi, it's me.’ You said timidly, unsure of what you were supposed to say in this situation. ‘I just wanted to call and see how you were?’ 

There was a pause as you heard the shuffling of papers.

‘I'm fine. Just going through an old mission report.’ He said, another pause. ‘Is everything okay?’ 

‘Yeah, fine… Just thinking about last night.’ You said, hoping he'd take the bait.

‘Out of curiosity, did you happen to have the file on the Chile case?’ No bait. ‘I know that it's got some relevance to the studies in linguistics at the moment.’ 

You could feel the words catch in your throat. Why was he being so cold towards you?

‘Yeah, it's sitting on my coffee table right now.’ You gave in.

‘What does it say about the infected?’

‘Doesn't really go into too many specifics, just mentions that they all suffered from the same symptoms, but not necessarily in the same order, some describe the more severe symptoms occurring before others, hallucinations, headaches, muscle weakness, some kind of respiratory failure for a few days before eventual organ failure that always resulted in death.’

‘So it was a plague?’

‘That's what it's described as. A plague that wiped out hundreds of seemingly specific people. The thing that caught my curiosity was that everyone who died of this plague had committed serious crimes. They called it…’ You quickly searched for the photo. ‘A Plague From the Gods.’

You took him through the rest of your findings on the case and answered the questions with a hint of sorrow.

‘Are you sure you're okay?’ He finally asked, a little quieter than before. You could hear him standing up and moving away from where he was.

‘Yeah fine. I think I'm going to see if I can talk to Dr Wright today, you know, just catch up.’ 

You could hear the unmistakable worry in his breathing.

‘So there is something wrong?’ He pushed. ‘Is it something I've done?’

‘I have to go. Dr Wright is a busy man, I'm sure he's got a lot of people to see.’ 

‘Okay, will you call me if you need anything though? Please?’ He begged.

‘Sure.’

‘I can come over in an hour if you like? See how you are? I'm a little worried.’ He offered, you weren't really sure you could handle seeing him just yet. He was giving you no indication that the night before even happened and again your heart began to break. Maybe you were really losing your mind.

‘No, it's fine. I'm fine… I'm just going to see Dr Wright and get Simmons to check my leg again, you know, just in case. I'll see you around.’ You hung up before he could say anything else and let your tears flood out for as long as you could bear.

 

You told Dr Wright about what you thought had happened and he offered his advice, that you should really talk to Phil. If it felt that real and didn't happen then something was medically wrong, but if it was simply a case of him leaving early for whatever reason then Phil would offer you that very explanation.

The walk towards the medical facility felt long and tiring, Dr Wright had called ahead and asked for Simmons to run the usual tests and to give him a copy of the report to compare notes. You hadn't seen or heard from Phil all day until a text came through to your phone.

[Free for lunch?] 

You still weren't sure if you were up for seeing him just yet, but maybe you should just get it over with, you couldn't avoid him forever.

[Sure. In medical now.]

‘Well, everything looks fine to me, just the usual abnormalities that come with injury.’ Simmons said, ticking off her checklist. ‘Anything else bothering you?’ 

You got the impression that you were no longer talking about how you were doing physically. Jemma had always been a good friend to you, someone that you confided in about nearly everything and while you were almost certain that she didn't fully understand what you were talking about, you appreciated that she tried. 

‘It's just Phil.’ You said, brushing it off. Another text came through.

[I’ll be down in a few minutes.]

‘No progress then?’ She said sympathetically.

‘I'm not sure Jemma.’ You weren't exactly sure where to start. ‘I thought something happened last night, but when I woke up this morning… There wasn't any sign that he was even there. It's hard to explain. It felt real.’ 

Jemma continued to work whilst listening, you preferred it when she did, you felt braver talking to thin air than you did talking to an actual person.

‘I suggest you talk to him and see what he says.’ Jemma said simply. ‘Your results are fine, there's nothing wrong with you. Chances are he just had to rush off. If it felt real then why wouldn't it be? We all see how he looks at you, he's completely in love with you. I'm sure it'll be fine.’ Jemma gave you a smile. And right on cue Phil walked into the room.

‘How's the patient?’ He asked with a smile, he was wearing dark jeans and a navy jumper over his white t shirt, he looked very casual.

‘Absolutely fine. Healing at a good rate, just make sure you get a full weeks rest before we head out.’ Jemma gave you a wink and wandered off to give you space.

‘You okay?’ He asked, stepping towards the bench you were sitting on. He stepped close enough that you could smell his musky aftershave.

‘Fine.’ You said simply, though you could tell he wasn't buying it. ‘…you?’

Phil cocked his head to one side and gave a small smile. You were definitely busted. 

‘You want to talk about it over lunch?’ It was more of a statement than a question.

You nodded. Phil helped you down being careful to keep an unusual amount of space between you while you walked to a café just down the road. In truth you weren't that hungry, you felt kind of sick, but you craved his conversation.

The café was cosy and Phil seemed to be on first name terms with the people working there. You were shown by Phil to a table off to the side against the wall and settled, finding the short walk a little tiring on your leg. 

‘So, tell me what's bothering you.’ Phil said once one of the waitresses who obviously had a huge crush him brought you over some tea. 

‘I'm not sure where to start to be honest.’ You suddenly realised just how exhausted you were and leaned on your hand. Phil’s mouth formed a thin line before he leaned in closer so that no one could hear what he was saying.

‘Does this have anything to do with last night?’ He whispered. ‘Did I say something, or do something that-‘ he stopped mid sentence, realising something important. His brow furrowed and he asked you plainly. ‘Was it because I left early this morning?’

There it was, your answer. He had just left early and you were worrying about nothing. It was so silly, to think you had really believed you had imagined the whole thing… That was indeed a worrying thought.

‘What are you thinking?’ He said quietly, he held your other hand and tied to get you to look at him. ‘You're worrying me sweetheart. Tell me what's wrong.’ He begged you.

‘I-I… I don't know… I thought it wasn't real, that I had imagined everything.’ Panic was starting to set in. You could feel your body begin to feel tremendously uncomfortable, wanting to fidget.

‘Last night? No, sweetheart it happened and it was amazing to be so close to you.’ Phil tried to convince you. ‘I should have left you a note like last time, I'm sorry.’

‘I just… Why would I think that?’ You said a little loudly, you took a moment to breathe but you were getting restless. ‘Why would I believe that you never there? It was so vivid.’

‘I was there, I swear. I was there with you.’

‘Maybe I'm still imagining things. Maybe none of this is real, if I could convince myself of that, I could believe anything right?’

‘Sweetheart, please look at me.’ Phil said leaning even further in, he took your other hand. You could see real worry in his eyes, but his voice became a little more commanding, like the Phil Coulson you would over the comms. ‘You'll have a panic attack if you keep worrying, so you need to listen to me. Last night happened, I came over after you and Dr Wright got me two days off work, we kissed, we made love, I got a call and had to leave early for an emergency with another team, I didn't wake you because I didn't want you to worry about anything. I was going to come back as soon as I finished meeting with Fury…’ You watched him for a moment, he offered an explanation and for the most part you had no reason to doubt what was telling you. So why were you still panicking?

‘I need to get out of here.’ You said, you could feel sweat beginning to build up on your forehead. You stood up, feeling dizzy as you wandered out of the café. You could hear Phil following you trying to keep up. Everything around you seemed to get brighter, a sharp pain shot through your head and you knew you were about to pass out.

 

It was an all too familiar feeling, waking up in a hospital bed, the beeping of the heart monitor, small feelings of warmth coursing through your body and the dull sound of chatter just outside your room. You hated it so much, you hated being so helpless.

‘Do we have answers yet?’ It was Fury and he sounded extremely impatient. ‘Then run the damn tests and tell me what I want to know!’

‘He sounds angry.’ You felt yourself mumble. A warm laugh sounded just next to you. ‘Phil?’ You checked, just as you we're opening your eyes to the harsh bright lights. ‘Too bright.’ The lights immediately dimmed enough for you to open your eyes without much pain.

‘You're a hard woman to kill.’ It was Trip, being his usual chipper self.

‘What do you mean?’ You began sitting up, but for some reason, you were out of breath just from talking.

‘You got poison in your system.’ He clarified handing you some water.

‘From what?’

‘That's the million dollar question.’ Fury cut in. ‘You alright?’

‘Fine, just… Out of breath.’ You admitted.

‘That'll be the infection in your lungs.’ He said grimly. You knew exactly what he was saying.

‘I'm dying aren't I?’

‘Not if I've got a say in it!’ Fury took Trip’s seat as he got up and left with a wink. ‘SHIELD went to a lot of trouble to keep you alive when you were a child, only seems fitting that we should do the same as an adult.’

‘I suppose. Where's Phil?’ You began coughing violently and you felt like your lungs were on fire. Your head began spinning again and everything ached.

‘Agent Coulson… He's pretty upset right now.’ Fury said once you settled back down. ‘He wasn't doing you any favours by watching you sleep, the best he can do is figure out where and what it is that's killing you. I'll tell him you're awake soon.’

You could only focus on half of what he was saying, your head felt like it was swelling painfully against your temples and taking any kind of breath hurt like hell. ‘You really don't know what it is do you?’ You coughed out.

‘We’re working on it.’ Fury stood up to look you in the eye, but all you could concentrate on was that Phil wasn't there. He was always there when you got hurt, he was always the one that got you through. Maybe he was having second thoughts about you, the amount of times you ended up in the hospital it wasn't surprising, you wouldn't want that much weighing on your chest, how could you expect him to take care of you? Maybe he didn't love you after all?

‘Hey!’ Fury tried to get you to focus. ‘Agent Coulson has never spoken more highly of an agent than you, with the obvious exception of your parents.’ Damn it! You were still unable to keep your thoughts to yourself. ‘Maybe it's a good thing. Putting the fact that you two broke more than a dozen protocols aside, he is working harder than I have ever seen him work to figure this out. Now you have to stay alive to see the end of this.’

Your lungs were filling with liquid and panic was getting the best of you, when a thought hit you hard.

‘Tell me what's happening to me.’ You couldn't get your coughing under control, you were rapidly getting worse. Several doctors came in to try to calm you down, but it was no good, you felt sleep cover you in a warm, peaceful blanket and the room darkened.

 

You woke again to much quieter surroundings, you slowly went through your routine of waking up, adjusting your eyes, checking for aches and pains and finally working out exactly what had happened. You remembered feeling as if you were about to drown, your lungs filling with liquid and now you just found it hard to breathe, like there was a heavy weight on your chest that wouldn't shift.

You tried to sit up to see who was around to help you, Trip had fallen asleep in the chair next to you. You tried to find something to throw at him to wake up. All that was beside you was the heart monitor and various pieces of medical equipment that looked like they should be left well alone. Your muscles hurt too much to reach around for your pillow, but you could reach the file that was on your thigh. You flung the pages hard at his chest, and he jumped awake.

‘What the hell?!’ He jerked. Trip soon realised what happened and just chuckled. ‘Can I help you?’ He said with his charming smile and began picking up the pages that had fallen out of the file.

‘Yes,’ you said already exhausted. ‘You can answer my question, what happened to me?’ 

‘You got poisoned. Coulson’s looking over the tapes from the last week and trying to work it out.’ Trip explained, looking at his watch. ‘You know it's three in the morning right?’

‘He's not going to find anything.’ You breathed out.

‘What?’

‘Trip, he won't find anything in the last week.’ You tried to slow your breathing as you felt the panic trying to get the best of you. ‘It was Novak.’

‘Novak?’

‘Novak's son, Gregor. The plague, it was the plague in Chile.’ You could feel your head swelling again.

‘Okay, okay. I'll call Coulson, just take it easy okay.’ Trip held your hand as he made the call the Coulson. You concentrated on your breathing.

‘Ask him if my dad was ever poisoned by Novak?’ You coughed out. You could hear a couple of nurses enter the room and try to keep you as calm as possible. They injected you with something that for a while made it easier to breathe. 

‘He's coming okay, he's on his way. Fury is going to make a call to the fridge, see what he can dig up and Hill is waking up the linguistics department to figure out the rest of those symbols.’ Trip got you to focus on what he was saying.

‘I did it all, it's on my coffee table.’ The pain was beginning to flare up in your lungs now. And you vision was going blurry. ‘Trip, the symptoms… hallucinations, muscle weakness, headaches, organ failure… And then death.’

‘Okay, I'll take care of it. They're going to put you to sleep, we’ll wake you when Coulson gets here.’

You were in so much pain, your lungs were on fire, your head felt like it would explode any second and you couldn't move without tight pains circling your muscles.


	16. The Fight For Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You fight along side unlikely companions.

You could hear a voice calling you back to reality, pulling you out of the darkness, there was no pain or uncomfortable ache when you opened your eyes, just Fury and Trip staring down you, calling for you to wake up. You tried to sit up but you could feel restraints on your hands and feet as well as across your stomach.

‘We had to restrain you. You were having seizures, just stay calm and tell us what you know.’ Fury ordered in the gentlest voice you'd ever heard him use.

‘Phil.’ You whispered out desperately.

‘Agent Coulson is on his way to the fridge, he’ll be back this evening with Gregor Novak.’ Fury said quickly. ‘Tell us about the plague.’

‘In Chile,’ you started, you could feel your energy slowly returning along with the aches and pains that you knew would eventually kill you. You just wished that Phil was there to help you through it. ‘The symbols we collected, they told us about a plague that killed people who had sinned. But it wasn't a natural born plague…’ Your chest was getting heavier and tighter, you couldn't breathe properly but you needed to get the rest of the information out. ‘It was a virus, it was a weapon to kill criminals.’

‘So someone gave you this virus? When?’ Fury demanded.

‘The package, it was supposed to be simple. He could've killed Skye if he wanted to, but he didn't he went for me. He had enough time, he was quick enough.’ It was getting nearly impossible to breathe now and your head was spinning out of control, all you knew was to keep talking and hope that someone was listening. 

You opened your eyes after keeping them shut to block out the pain and you were suddenly very alone, in a darkened room, no sign of Fury, no sign of Trip and no sign that anything around you was normal. You were hallucinating. You had to keep speaking, you were imagining your surroundings, but somewhere out there Trip and Fury were counting on you to give them the rest of the information you had.

Your body felt light and pain free, there were no restraints on you and you were able to get up out of the bed no problem. The heart monitor continued to beep and you tried to remember where you had gotten to.

‘The virus is killing me!’ You shouted, the noise just echoed. ‘I don't even know if you can hear me! I'm hallucinating! I can't hear anyone. I don't even know if I'm conscious.’

‘Oh you're definitely conscious.’ A voice came from somewhere in the darkness. You did a full three sixty and saw no one. A hand reached for your shoulder making you spin around. You could've fainted right there and then, looking up at a face that you hadn't seen since you were twelve. 

She was beautiful dressed in a white silk tunic and the kind loving smile that you missed dearly. Your heart twisted painfully and you tried to hold back the tears but they wouldn’t be stopped. ‘Mom.’ You croaked. She brought you in closer to her embrace.

‘My darling. I've missed you.’ She said, you could hear her start to cry as well. She was just as you remembered her, so kind and gentle natured.

‘I've missed you too mom.’ You cried. You held her so tightly, you never wanted to leave. ‘I think I'm dying.’ You finally said.

She pulled away, fixing your hair and smiling down at you. ‘Yes, my darling, you're dying, but it's okay, you don't have to be scared.’ 

‘My friends, they need me to tell them what I know.’ 

‘And what do you know?’ She said looking down at you. You couldn't bear how much you missed her and yet here she stood wanting nothing but to hold you. ‘Tell me darling, tell me what you know.’ You both sat on the bed and began to talk.

‘I know that a cure was never found.’ You wiped away your remaining tears. ‘But the ones that took the longest to die were the ones that were physically fitter than the rest. They'd built up a kind of immunity that they passed onto their children, eventually the plague fizzled out and we never heard about it again.’

‘Maybe you're not infected after all, if it faded out of existence?’

‘Maybe, it would be one hell of a coincidence though. Maybe Novak found a way to manufacture the virus again. There's no known cure, it's extraordinarily painful and impossible to place, it's not in any textbook you can find on the shelf you know.’ You thought for a moment. You knew full well that your mother wasn't really sitting opposite you, that you were simply imagining her because you were about to die, but you desperately wanted to just stay and talk to her forever.

‘Were you in pain?’ You asked.

She smiled warmly. ‘Yes, darling. I was in pain.’

‘You're supposed to say no, you know help me feel better?’ You chuckled bitterly.

‘Why bother lying now?’ She responded. ‘I'm only here to make it easier for you to leave your friends.’

‘I don't want to leave them, I just got here. I just found Phil. I can't leave without saying goodbye.’

‘Darling, Phil won't make it in time. You have to let go, you'll only cause them more pain and heart ache than is necessary.’ She pleaded.

‘You're not my real mother, I know that. But my mom wouldn't give up, she'd tear the world apart if it meant saying goodbye to my dad…’ That familiar feeling hit you again.

You turned to see a white board appear, you got up and began writing. ‘What are you doing?’

‘The symbols, I remember what they look like but it's hard to picture, I'm writing it down.’ You said and wrote everything you could remember. ‘Fury told me you died from tumours in your brain, but SHIELD had the technology to get rid of tumours fifteen years before you died. It never clicked until just now. You died from the same virus that’s killing me.’ Your mother smiled at you and nodded for you to continue. 

‘The symbols describe a mass extinction of hundreds of criminals, that's what makes us think now that it was a weapon. Maybe it wasn't fizzled out, maybe the distribution just stopped, the results were too devastating once they started changing the formula.’ You continued drawing mind maps, simple ideas that you branched out into solutions. ‘The progression paints a picture of something that went from simple painful deaths for the most severe prisoners to something they could no longer control. The doctors would walk into a room and the prisoners at best would literally be trying to tear off their limbs.’

‘At worst?’ Your mother asked, she looked curiously at the white boards that were appearing in greater numbers. You continued writing ideas on them as they appeared. 

‘The worst case was reported of a man tearing his own ear off and didn't stop digging until his brain became exposed.’ You said swallowing harshly. ‘I can't die mom, I just can't.’ You looked into her eyes and saw dead space, it wasn't your mother, but it was nice to see her again and pretend just for a while. ‘I can't leave Phil, I'm in love with him and I'll never get another chance to tell him.’

‘Sweetheart…’ A voice sounded, you could hear the beeping of the heart monitor get a little louder and your whole arm felt warm, like someone was touching you. 

‘Phil!’ You called out. 

‘I'm here.’ You turned to see Phil in his shirt and tie underneath his body armour. ‘I'm here sweetheart.’ 

You couldn't help yourself, you ran over to him and kissed him hard. He reciprocated but not in the way you knew. His hands remained still on your hips, and his lips weren't how you remembered them. It wasn't him, it was another hallucination.  
‘What's wrong darling?’ Your mother called.

You took a step back and saw the same dead space in his eyes that your saw in your mothers, you felt your heart pull again. ‘You're not really here, I'm just imagining you both because I'm about to die.’ You felt the swell behind your eyes again.

A loud groan sounded from somewhere in the distance, you span around, feeling your heart beginning to race. ‘What was that?’ You turned back to see both Phil and your mother giving each other a worried look.

‘I'll check it out.’ Phil said and disappeared into the darkness. 

‘Mom what's going on?’ Your mother looked a million miles away and had a frown on her face. ‘Mom, where's Phil gone?’ You said louder, hearing the echo again.

‘Darling you must understand, you're very sick, Phil's gone to fight the virus.’ She said still looking off towards the distance. ‘I will probably have to help soon if more people are killed. Darling, you're inside your own head, you can do anything you please, but we are a part of you. You said it yourself, the physically fit survived the longest, you don't get much fitter than working for SHIELD.’ She stood up and walked towards the edge of the darkness. ‘Don't give up the fight. You are so beautiful, your father and I are so proud of you.’ Before she disappeared, you thought you saw a glimmer of life in her eyes, the kind of glimmer you couldn't imagine, the kind you could only see and never remember.

You were left entirely alone, the only thing that told you you were still alive was the faint beeping of the heart monitor. You could hear the groaning in the distance and soon it turned into screams, your mother, Phil and another voice you remembered, your father. You made a decision, you couldn't just stand and wait for the virus to come and get you, you had to do something. Your mother was right you could do anything you wanted inside your own head, you just had to do it. 

‘Phil!’ You called. ‘Phil, if you can hear me, turn the heart monitor up. Make it louder!’ 

You tried to imagine standing at the top of a pedestal, maybe three or four steps high in the middle of a brightly lit room, with weapons all around you to fight with. The heart monitor got louder and you could hear it speed up. Your mother was on the floor in front of you crawling up the steps, you could see blood on her tunic and cuts over her face.

‘Darling, they're going to sedate you, you won't win.’ She pleaded, you went over to her and held her in your arms as she coughed and began to die all over again. ‘Your heart is being attacked, you must give it every chance you can.’

‘Phil! My heart is about to fail!’ You felt it immediately, it was just like in the field when you felt almost inhuman, but a hundred times more, the adrenaline kicked in. Your mother began to get up and picked up a gun, she shot down several black tar like creatures that simply melted away.

‘Darling, we need more help. You must protect your heart at all costs.’ Your mother continued to fight off the tar like creatures.

‘Phil, my heart! Help me!’ You could see one of the creatures slithering towards you, your feet were stuck and when you looked down the tar had them trapped. The creature was like something from a horror movie, you swiped up a long sword and prepared yourself to fight it off. Suddenly the creature began screaming, wailing in pain and from behind you a horde of people came running to clear the room. Skye, May, Darcy, Romanov, Dr Wright, Steve, Trip, Fitz, Simmons, Hill, Fury and finally Phil and your father. They looked as if they had been fighting for a month, but never dropped their energy.

‘Dad!’ You called. Phil chased the creature away from you and continued to fight off the seemingly hundreds more that were swarming you.

‘My baby girl!’ He held you so tightly, helping you up off of the floor. ‘I've missed you so much!’

‘Dad, I love you so much!’ You cried still feeling the adrenaline coursing your body. Your father let go and held you at arms length.

‘We must fight now baby, can you do that for me? You're so brave.’ You nodded through your tears and picked up the sword again. ‘That's my girl!’ He smiled and together you fought as hard as you could slicing through the tar creatures for as long as you could and finally a bright light shone down on the pedestal, you knew what you had to do, you sprinted hard across the room and stood waiting for something to come.

The entire room turned to watch you, the tar creatures were gone, but if you didn't leave soon you'd be stuck. ‘Phil!’ You cried, you screamed his name at the top of your lungs until you could feel them burn. The heart monitor increased again, you knew it was a good thing so you continued to scream, everyone stood around you waiting as well, they were all tired bloody and beat up, but none of them tried to help. This was something you knew had to be done alone. ‘Phil! Save me!’ It was blood curdling and finally a rope dropped down from the ceiling, you scrambled to get a hold of it, you still had work to do, the climb wouldn't be easy and you wouldn't have anyone there to help you, but you knew you could do it, you had to.

You looked back down to all your friends and picked out your mother and father who stood arms wrapped around each other and couldn't help but want to stay with them just a while longer. ‘Goodbye.’ You whispered. They smiled warmly through their cuts and bruises and you knew that leaving was the right thing to do, so you climbed, you climbed as long as you needed to, to make it to the top and this time, you couldn't wait to wake up in reality.


	17. What Was Once Mine Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find out just how bad it really got outside your own little world. (This is possibly the end so enjoy it and savour it guys)

Something was different, the smell. It wasn't the same as before. It was less like a hospital, more like the bus. You could hear yelling, arguing, no bickering. There was only two people you knew like that, Fitzsimmons. You couldn't be bothered to listen to their arguing so instead tuned into the steady heart monitor beside you. You had never felt so happy to hear that sound in all your life, it had been your saviour, your hero and you knew it sounded silly but you adored that heart monitor, it told you how alive you really were.

‘You two are going to wake her up!’ Skye. 

‘Good! Maybe she can settle this dispute.’ Fitz. ‘She's always had a clear head when it comes to these things.’

‘What dispute?’ You mumbled.

‘Hey kid.’ Trip.

He sounded so close and when you opened your eyes, you saw him sitting just next to your bed reading a file. ‘How you feeling?’ He asked softly.

‘Good, just a headache.’ You said rubbing your throbbing temples. 

‘Here.’ Simmons came over and adjusted some dials on the machine next to you. ‘For the pain.’ She said smiling.

‘You gave us a scare.’ Trip said with his charming disapproval.

‘You weren't the only ones.’ You tried to sit up, you still felt weak, but Trip and Skye quickly came to help. ‘Thanks. What happened?’ You asked once you'd settled into a comfortable position. You could see the familiar surroundings of the bus, you were definitely in the air.

‘I'm going to let Coulson know you're awake.’ Trip said, ushering Fitzsimmons out of the room as he left you and Skye alone to talk.

‘You've been out for a month.’ She said sitting down.

‘A month? No wonder my head is killing me.’ Whatever Simmons had given you seemed to be wearing off quicker than you would've liked. Skye quickly dimmed the lights. ‘Better.’ You said trying to adjust to your surroundings.

‘You lost consciousness while you were talking to Fury.’ Skye began, you could see a small cut on her lip, recent, she'd had clearly been out in the field for whatever reason. ‘We nearly lost you, you were mumbling about the symbols for days and then you started… You started calling for your mom.’

‘I remember. I remember seeing her.’ You said, everything was flooding back to you now. ‘What about Phil?’

Skye looked down at her hands. ‘I think I best let him explain the rest. Just do me one favour? Be patient. He hasn't spoken to anyone about what he's feeling since we left, not even May could get through to him.’

That sounded like your Phil, keeping everything to himself until he exploded. ‘Why did we leave?’

‘Because you were fine, Simmons said you weren't in a coma exactly, your body was still fighting off the remaining aspects of the virus, said that you'd wake up any day now… That was two weeks ago.’ Skye looked at you and you could see her eyes shining as water began filling them up. ‘We all thought you were going to die, Coulson was so angry, I don't think anyone has seen him like that for a long time, he wasn't stopping, he just kept working and finally we convinced him to come and see you. We all cried for you, it was horrible to see you in that much pain.’ 

You took her hand and tried to be as comforting as you could, but it really wasn't your area of expertise. ‘Skye, I'm okay. I'm awake and as far as I can tell this is reality. I'm fine.’

Skye smiled sniffing and her breath shaking. ‘I know, I just… I keep thinking how much we've been through… I wouldn't have anyone’s ass to kick if you weren't around.’ She tried to joke. You let out a big laugh and the Skye you recognised was back.

‘Well that sounds like a challenge.’ You raised your eyebrows at her.

‘Well hurry up and get better then and we’ll see who's the better woman.’ Skye wiped away her tears and looked out the window to see Coulson standing with a pained expression, he looked very tired and like he'd forgotten to shave for the last week. He walked around to the door and opened it, just staring at you. Skye squeezed your hand, gave you a nod and left you to deal with Phil.

You weren't sure what to feel first, anger or relief. So you let him make the first move and you'd figure it out from there. He rolled his sleeves up and loosened his tie, you knew you were in it for the long haul when he did that, he sat down next to you.

‘Sweetheart-‘

‘Where were you?!’ Anger it was then.

He just looked at you with a blank expression.

‘I was dying! And you weren't there!’ You could feel your anger reaching boiling point. Who did he think he was that he could just leave you to die alone? 

‘I'm sorry.’ He said softly. You could hear that he meant it but it didn't matter, he wasn't excused!

‘You're sorry? What are you sorry for Phil? For leaving me to wake up alone without an explanation? Or are you sorry for letting me be in pain for days while you ran off to the fridge? Or maybe you're sorry for letting me believe that you didn't care about me in the slightest? Maybe you're sorry for letting me fall in love with you when you knew you couldn't give the same back to me? What are sorry for?’ You were raging, you could barely control what was coming out of your mouth; your throat was sore and scratchy. Phil handed you some water that he knew you needed. He thought for a moment.

‘You broke my heart.’ He said, almost a whisper. ‘You broke my heart everyday for a month… You kept mumbling about your mother and how much you missed her, you told her you loved me that you couldn't leave without saying goodbye… I sat for days after I came back from the fridge while you were sleeping, talking in your sleep, begging me to stay with you, asking why I left you alone. I kept telling you that I wasn't going anywhere, but I had to concentrate on finding a way to save you, you were fighting so hard and I couldn't give any less than that, you couldn't see that, you were ready to give up and just die… You broke my heart.’ Phil was trying with everything he had to not fall apart, but it was suddenly ver clear that that had already happened a while ago. ‘The one thing that got me more than anything is that after everything we've been through, on the bus, in New York… In your apartment; you still couldn't see that I was so in love with you that it was killing me.’

You watched as he contemplated with himself whether to hold your hand and carry on speaking, or if he even wanted to keep telling you these things at all.

‘Gregor Novak died in the fridge, the same virus that was killing you.’ He said. ‘The package you and Skye picked up, that was Gregor. I couldn't tell you because I only found out once you were already in the car with him. I was trying to keep you safe, that's what a good handler does, they keep you focussed and as safe as they can anyway they can. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I wanted to but Fury said you'd never forgive yourself for not killing him there and then. You have your fathers stubbornness and you haven't been taught how to use it yet, it can be very dangerous… I heard you call for him a few days ago. I guessed you were still hallucinating, but I hope that gave you some perspective.’ Phil was running out of words and you still didn't really know how to feel, you still had so many questions and you knew if it got too personal you wouldn't be able to exercise quite as much control over yourself as you had done up to this point.

‘Why didn't I die? Did Simmons find a cure?’ You asked, he looked up at you, he wasn't quite ready for that question.

‘No. She didn't find a cure, you did.’ He frowned. ‘The translations said that the infected died from organ failure, once your lungs failed we got you on a machine that did all the hard work for you, we knew it was only a matter of time before your organs shut down. We prepared ourselves for it, then you… You told us your heart was in pain, it was shutting down, Simmons gave you an adrenaline shot that kept it pumping until we could figure out what to do next. But by the time we realised there was nothing we could do, you'd fought off the virus and your body went into recovery. Fury gave us permission to keep you on the bus until you woke up… Trip said you called for me. He said you wouldn't stop asking me to save you.’ Phil held your hand and you tensed slightly. ‘I tried sweetheart, I did everything I could for you, but in the end it was you… Your mother and father passed on two genes that they used to fight off particular types of disease, hand in hand the genes gave your body the ability to fight the virus. They saved you when I couldn't.’ He said trying to get you to forgive him.

You really had no idea what to say. You wanted to kiss away the pain in Phil's face, but you also wanted him to see that your heart was broken too, that he hurt you in ways that he had promised not to.

‘So, Gregor Novak is dead?’ You finally said.

‘Yeah,’ Phil sniffed. ‘Yeah he's gone.’ He knew that there was nothing more to explain, or rather nothing more he could say that would make you feel better.

‘So, when can I get out of here? When can I go back out there?’ 

‘Simmons wanted to keep you over night when you woke up, just to make sure you weren't going to slip into a coma or have any more seizures, but I'm sure you can leave tomorrow morning.’ Phil could tell you hadn't quite forgiven him just yet, that it would take a lot of time before that happened. ‘We touch down in Rome in the morning, Skye and Trip are doing a little intelligence gathering to help out a ground team and then we’ll see about taking a couple days off before our next assignment.’

‘Okay.’ You said, you didn't mean to sound so dismissive but it just sort of came out. Phil took it as his cue to leave, he stood up and began to walk away. ‘Phil?’ He stopped at the foot of your bed. ‘I just have one more question.’

‘What is it?’

‘Before I passed out, outside that café. I asked you a question, if the night before really happened?’ You saw a smile form, it wasn't a happy smile exactly, it was more a tragic than that.

‘Yes, and it was still the best night of my life.’ He said, he turned and left your room. You saw him talk to Simmons before wandering back to his office. His head seemed to hang a little lower than usual and you could see it, you could see how broken his heart really was and there was nothing left for you to do but cry yourself to sleep and pray that you hadn't lost him forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it wasn't supposed to be as sad as that. I had originally planned to end it here, but if you guys want more let me know and I'll see about another instalment maybe ;)


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